Tuesday, December 28, 2010

A Lesson in Gluttony....

One of the good things about life is that its always teaching you lessons. This year, I learned that its impossible to eat correctly in the month of December. It really is. Christmas parties started for me as early as mid-month. I have had almost three weeks of eating my way through the end of 2010. And in all honesty, its been an effing wonderful time.

Another lesson I learned this year is that even though I am always going to be a big, fat face, gigantic foodie on the inside, exercise has kept me from becoming one on the outside. As the Reese Christmas Trees slowly took over as my main food source, I never skipped a workout because there was a chance I might have an accident mid box jump. Its easy to spend a day eating cookies and then skip the gym because your belly hurts. I never do that. I am ALWAYS in that gym no matter how sick I feel from funneling brownie batter in a g-string at bachelor parties to pay my rent (I do bars and house parties.) I learned my lesson that December is a hard month to eat healthy, and exercise saved me from exploding out of my pants (at least at the wrong moments.) Every little bit counts, so get your fat ass to the gym!

Today is December 29,2010. In three days it will be 2011. So, while I do not suggest setting your goals for the new year so high that you are destined to fail, this is a good time to think about what you want in this upcoming year. Do you want a puppy? Do you want to stop spending obscene amounts of money on headbands and stylish boots? Do you want a record deal? Do you want to wear a sports bra only to the gym this summer and be able to run around without people crying because you hit them in the eye with your jiggle belly? Are you me? These are my goals and I think they all are very reasonable and definitely going to come true. I am using the amount of disgusting food I consumed all month as a motivator to reach them. And when I am the world's skinniest pop sensation smoochin on my puppy and performing at the Superbowl, I promise not to forget the little people. I might forget the little people.

I am going to post again on New Year's Eve. A real tear jerking reflection of 2010 and why I think it has been the best year of my life with the exception of the year I got contacts. Trust me, pre 1997 Haley was not a good scene. But before New Year's Eve, I want everyone to think about achievable goals for 2011 and get in the mindset to make them happen. Think about the lessons that life taught you in 2010 , and figure out how you want to use what you learned in the upcoming year. I mean, I probably will buy so many headbands and boots next year that I am stealing money from AIDS fundraisers and shizz, but other than that I think I have my 2011 pretty much set in stone. And I can't effing wait.

Until then I am going to enjoy my last three days of the decade doing what I do best; eating, talking, and watching TV under a blanket. If you want to end your year the right way, I would suggest you follow my lead. See ya New Year's Eve!

Here I am looking so good on Christmas Eve.


Friday, December 24, 2010


Christmas Eve! I like this effing day. Mainly because I get to bake all day and look like a homeless prostitute in my pajamas. However, I will be going to the gym this afternoon unlike a lot of you fatty round heads. I know, I know, you are just soooo busy decking the halls and stuffing your face with cookies and pies that you don't have a spare moment to wipe your ass, let alone workout. I don't believe you. Everyone has a half hour today where they can get in some sort of body movement. Go for a walk and admire how shiteous most people's Christmas lights are. Or take a nice jog over to my house and admire my Christmas Chair. Yeah, no tree. Too poor. Oh, well.

I truly mean it when I say that I hope that all my loyal readers have a great Christmas. I plan on eating, drinking, and talking so loud that everyone wants to kill me for the next two days, so I am pretty pumped. Even though Christmas is stressful, it is a nice day to be with your family and get some laughs at the expense of others. So drive carefully, eat like a maniac, and if the dysfunction becomes just too much to handle, call me and we will go get some Scorpion Bowls on you.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

I'm Baaaack

Alright. I am embarrassed. I haven't blogged since I don't even know when. I was suffering from writer's block. I would write and write and everything sucked so bad I wanted to die. I have about 5 half posts that I just gave up on. I think its Christmas that is causing all my problems. It just sucks all the motivation out of me. That's why I love Thanksgiving so much. There is no pressure to be in the gay ass Thanksgiving “spirit.” The Christmas spirit makes me want to do absolutely nothing except drive Paul (my car) around on dead empty because I am too lazy to get gas and eat. I am pretty sure that's the life of a big, fat 50 year old woman in an unhappy marriage. Merry Christmas!

Maybe I am exaggerating a little, but this whole writer's block thing is pissing me off worse than that time I predicted that that whale was going to kill the Sea World trainer and NOBODY believed me. Seriously, I called that. I hate marine mammals. Just wait until a dolphin kills someone and everyone says “ Haley, you never said that would happen.” I will solve that problem right now. COPYRIGHT 2010. I said it first. I'm psychic.

Well this is becoming quite the rant about nothing, so I am going to say a few words about healthy eating during Christmas. It can't happen. I mean, you can most certainly put in an effort, but its a battle that most of us will lose. I made a little rule for myself, that unless someone else makes me the food I can't eat it. So far its been working. But that's mainly because nobody makes me anything, except for myself. I made sugar cookies and ate 18 of them last Thursday night. I considered it giving to the poor.

Here is the bottom line. Try to keep your big fat face out of the baked goods until Christmas Eve. Then when the holiday comes, have yourself a merry little binge. Just don't throw up in the street after you eat like I did on Thanksgiving. IS ANYONE WORRIED ABOUT ME?

My other advice. Don't make it your “big plan” to get back on track after New Years. If you don't get so far off track in the first place,you won't have to go all “New Year, New You” and make everyone want to kick you in the balls. Just make a nice New Years resolution to treat your body right, and see what happens. Being healthy should relieve your stress, not add to it.

I will be posting on Christmas Eve, so I won't say Happy Holidays just yet. But I will wish you best of luck with your last minute shopping, wrapping, swearing, and getting further into debt. Christmas is so effing expensive, maybe the Jehovah's have it right. Look for me on your doorstep flailing pamphlets and smiling sometime soon!

Friday, December 10, 2010

Happy Friday/Birthday to Noelle and Jim

Its Friday again. I don't even care though because I am sick as f*ck. Seriously. I feel like dick on wheels. Throat on fire, head pounding, breathing like Voldemort...the list goes on. I don't know if this is a result of my four day Thanksgiving carb/sugar binge, or just me being human and catching a cold. Either way this is bullshit and I am pissed.

To all you a-holes out there who don't feel like its the morning after a date with Ben Roethlisberger, happy Friday. I will be on my couch the whole weekend except Saturday when I celebrate the birth of not one but TWO of the people whose DNA is a 99% match to my own. Big shout outs to my sister Noelle, who turns 23 TODAY. Also holla at my boy Jimbo Slice who turns the big 1-6 on December 14th. They have been nice enough children to have a joint birthday party since Jim was born which sucks really bad for Noelle. If some freckly idiot came along and got all up in my birthday, I would be more pissed every single year than I was that one year I got wireless internet for my birthday. That really happened. And my mom referred to it as the “Piece de Resistance” or however the f*ck you spell that. Then she handed me a D-Link motem all wrapped up. This is my life.

Have fun getting your party on. I will be spending the weekend trying not to die, and hoping that Noelle and Jim get a copy of the electric bill with “you're welcome” written on it for their birthdays. Those two are so ridiculous by the way. Noelle asks for moon boots every year and Jim probably wants Osama Bin Laden's autograph on a piece of Ted Williams' dick. Seriously, the kid loves autographs. Too bad I got him socks. Anyways, enjoy the weekend! See ya Monday!

Monday, December 6, 2010

Lean Cuisine Sucks

Today I want to talk about Lean Cuisines and how bad they suck. First of all. Every single person that you see eating a Lean Cuisine is either fat or anorexic. When you eat a Lean Cuisine, one of two things happens. A)You eat that tiny, strange, microwavable meal and you're still starving, so you march your fat ass down to the vending machine for a Snickers and some of those vanilla cream cookies that taste like what I imagine a make out session with Tom Brady would taste like. Or B) you eat the Lean Cuisine, pretend it tastes so good, and then starve for 24 hours until you get to eat another one because you are anorexic. In both of these situations, the person needs help. And that is why there are people like me in this world to tell you all how to do everything correctly.

First off, there is no way to fit Lean Cuisines, Smart Ones, or any of those frozen meals into a healthy diet. There are too many empty calories in there to keep anyone full or happy. Noodles, rice, weird tiny pizza with CUBES of pepperoni on it? Shizz is nasty. 3 bites of frozen bread covered in processed shredded cheese, topped with ten tiny meat squares carved from a pigs ass is not a good lunch in my world. Its the most basic rule of nutrition, people. Carbohydrates don't keep you full. Especially when its only 250 calories of frozen noodles containing upwards of 300mg of sodium. So not only can you FEEL tired and hungry, you can also LOOK like ET, with a big bloated belly walking around staring at everyone wondering why no boys like you. Oh please, sign me up for the pig ass cubes, this sounds too good to be true.

I know I have said this a thousand times, but you NEED to eat fresh food. Fresh meat and vegetables. A few almonds. Hellooooo, sexy. If you want to be a royal pain in my muscular ass and tell me that this isn't true, go hang out in the frozen food section and look at the freaks who are buying these meals. Its like the most terrifying combination of Hoarders and Intervention up in there. Instead of trying to get skinny by eating frozen, salty, airplane food for $3.99 a box, why not try to get healthy by eating right and let the weight loss happen naturally? The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. So maybe its time to change your perspective. GET YA MIND RIGHT, KID.

Here is an article about why Lean Cuisines suck so bad. I hope this will stop people from going out and wasting their money on food that sucks and makes them bloated and pimply and farty and jelly bellied. But as I have said before, the more you insist on eating things like Lean Cuisines, the better I am going to look standing next to you while you are ripping toxic farts with your big fat gut hanging out all over the place. So the choice is yours!!!

Friday, December 3, 2010

Happy Flingin'-Flangin' Friday!

Well, I don't have anything to say except Happy Friday! The weekend is here and that means its time for everyone to do whatever they want. I hate when people talk about how they feel so bad that they don't mulch their stupid yard or paint weird antiques or do other dumb ass shizz on the weekend because they were just “too tired.” A) That's a boring topic and B) I only like to talk about myself so pipe down.

In my opinion, the weekend is for doing what you want. If you get the urge to shackle the roof of the shed, do it. Likewise, if you get the urge to watch Taxicab Confessions with no pants on and drink Mimosas, do THAT. I wonder if shackling a shed is a real thing. I already KNOW that watching Taxicab Confessions in your underwear is a real thing.

In totally unrelated news, Christmas candy is out. And Christmas Tree Cakes. I know that I push Paleo on everybody all the time and everything, but we all know that I need a good cheat day as bad as Miley Cyrus needs a retainer and sterilization. For this reason, I am letting you in on a little recipe I came up with a few years ago that just makes me want to punch Santa right in the balls with holiday delight. Christmas Tree Cakes in the freezer. You can thank me later with money and compliments on my physical appearance.

OK. I am going to enjoy my weekend, as I always do. Have fun, be safe...freeze up some CTC's and get ready to have your effing mind blown out the back of your head. See you Monday!!!

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Hilary Swank Enrages Me and the Rest of America

Hilary Swank struggled to gain weight for her role in new movie Conviction and forced herself to eat food even when she was full in order to bulk up.

The Million Dollar Baby star plays an unemployed single mother who earns a law degree so she can represent her brother in court in the film. Swank was required to put on 15 pounds for her part - but she found it hard work eating enough food to build up her svelte frame, and even gave up her regular workouts.

She tells New York Post newspaper columnist Cindy Adams, "I personally have difficulty keeping weight on, and for this role I had to add 15 pounds. My character, a single mom, hadn't any opportunity to stay fit. For my own needs, I like working out. But to gain weight I stopped that. Besides, this was an independent film. Small budget. We filmed long hours, long days. No time to work out."

"Normally I only eat until I'm full. On this shoot, I kept eating more. Even when I was full, I'd eat more. With nowhere to go, the weight stays on you."

Shut up. This is not something that you say when you want people to like you. “ Oh, look at me I can't get fat, everybody feel bad for me.” No. Hell no. The only reason I didn't personally write her some hate mail about this is because I don't know if she can read because I think one of her parents is a horse. Let me tell you something Hilary “ I literally looked like a dude in that movie about wanting to be a boy” Swank. It is VERY easy to look like a chubby,single mom. I rocked that look for YEARS without even having a kid that I can remember! And the weird thing is, I didn't get offered even one movie role. What the eff, Hil? You really think complaining about being too skinny is going to make you a fan favorite? I bet it will make you about as popular as those chapped lips you had at the end of Million Dollar Baby. Gross.

Alright. So aside from picking movie roles that make her look terrifying, Hilary Swank does not know how to appeal to the fatties who make up 3 quarters of America's population. But like I said, because she is not pretty, she can Butterface her way all over the planet broadcasting how thin she is and I could give a sheep's dick. I could gain 15 pounds for a movie role during the audition if I had to. All I would need is an XL order of Gold Fever Wings and someone to challenge me to a Case Race and I would have that leading role so fast the director would burst into tears and piss himself.

Bottom line: Gaining weight is not a crime, but for those of us who pack on pounds easily, its NOT COOL when people talk about the burdens of being naturally thin BECAUSE THERE ARE NONE. I have no effing clue what makes someone naturally thin but my most developed theory is that its a combination of starvation, lies, and deceptively pretending to eat a lot but really only taking 2 bites. Yea, because that sounds like a fun life. PASS. Hilary Swank, you aren't fooling anybody. I don't care how many Oscars you have, and how much money you make. I have a sick blog. Beat that!

Tuesday, November 23, 2010


Thanksgiving is the best holiday ever. I love it because its a day where I do absolutely nothing. Anyone who expects me to ever do anything on Thanksgiving is a dickhead. I will never host this holiday at my house, even when I am 45 and its the “right” thing to do to have your family over. Hell no. Come over for Christmas and I'll stick a candy cane up your butt or something....whatever you're into. Thanksgiving is my day to eat food other people cook, drink bottles of wine that other people buy, and lay around saying whatever the hell I want. And by the way, I'll be needing a ride.

You know whats sad? I have ranked this holiday as #1 on the list since I still believed in Santa. Even as young child, I preferred a holiday centered around eating over a holiday centered around tons of presents. Sometimes I get overwhelmed thinking about how awesome I am. Even as a kid, I knew that buying gifts sucks. I hated it when my Dad would bring us to Dollar Tree, give us each a 5 dollar bill and have us buy presents for the whole family. Buying presents is stressful, and Dollar Tree smells like someone is farting curry through the vents. No thank you. Don't get me wrong, I loved my Santa presents. But do new roller blades and Sonic the Hedgehog 2 beat a gigantic plate of turkey and no required trip to D-Bag Tree? F*ck no.

So here's the deal homeys. Thanksgiving = no rules. And I mean NO rules. Midnight to midnight you get your eat/drank on as much as you fricken want. I am going to make M&M pancakes for breakfast and probably get a donut stick to eat while my ass is being chauffeured to my aunts for dinner. I chose a donut stick because I think it will be the best compliment for my thermos full of Chardonnay. OK SERIOUSLY, THANKSGIVING IS THE BEST DAY EVER.

The way I see it, if you eat healthy all the time and exercise regularly, you deserve a cheat day ESPECIALLY on Thanksgiving. So you are lucky that you have me to teach you how to maximize your turkey day fun. Its simple really. Just eat very little for the next couple days to minimize the hit on your physique, and then when the big day comes just go effing wild. Just remember, once it hits 12 midnight the fun is over and you have to go back to normal eating. The LAST thing you want to be is fat for Christmas, but that's a post for next month!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!!!!! And when you are 2 bottles of wine deep housing pumpkin pie with a fork right out of the pie pan...you can feel good knowing that your very favorite blogger is doing the EXACT same thing. SEE YA MONDAY!!!

I included this picture of me just because I think its awesome. Thats a giant pipe filled with water, so its a balancing act and nightmare city. It has nothing to do with Thanksgiving other than maybe it can be an example of something you could do on Friday to burn some of those stuffing and cranberry calories off your ass. EVERYBODY DO THIS ON FRIDAY!!!

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Celebrities Lie...SURPRISE!

If I told you that I would rather be healthy than skinny I would be lying. Luckily, having a smoking hot bod is a side effect of my lifestyle ( I can say that because I used to be fat.) But, if you hooked me up to a lie detector test and told me I could either be slim and out of shape or healthy and built like a brick shithouse, I think we all know what my answer would be.

Thankfully, I have come up with a way to be both skinny AND healthy, but I know a group of people who have yet to figure this out. Celebrities. Look at those effing people. Take Nicole Kidman for example. How tall is she 11'4? Bitch can't weigh more than 110 lbs and that's while shes holding Keith Urban in her skeletor arms like a tiny Australian koala baby. But if you asked her what she ate today, she would probably tell you she had 6 McRibs and a Twinkie omelet. Then she would tell you she keeps the weight off chasing around her kids. Nicole, you haven't eaten in ten years and you hate those weird kids you adopted with Tom Cruise. Also, your little baby that you actually know her name because its Sunday (GREAT choice) doesn't walk yet. And I think you might be dead.

What I am getting at here is that celebrities are liars. Kelly Ripa does not look like she stepped off a Red Cross helicopter from Tanzania because she is Mexican hat dancing with her little mariachi nuggets. She probably couldn't tell the difference between one of her kids and Chuy. Shes in the gym all day and so are all the other celebrities who say they “do yoga three times a week and try to eat healthy.” Yeah, OK. We all know that occasional yoga and attempted healthy eating leads to a gross fat body that will not get you that coveted role in " The Fast and the Furious 23: Paul Walker gets a Boner." What WILL get you the role is working out all day, eating nothing but lettuce, and then taking a laxative and waiting for Hiroshima to set in. Sexy.

The good thing about all this is that I am not a celebrity and I don't think you are either. Therefore, there is really no need for us to lose ginormous amounts of weight for terrible movies, marry the guy from Coldplay, and get osteopenia because we don't eat any protein like Gwyneth Paltrow. What we can do is make small, healthy changes everyday that will lead us toward a healthier lifestyle, and hopefully, a slammin body. I love celebrities just as much as the next person, but if you think for one second that their lifestyles are something to admire, you are a total doucher. People who don't eat suck to hang out with. People who do coke will steal your money and die at your house. People who take laxatives might crap in your car. There are just too many risks to these celebrity “diets” that I, for one, am not willing to take.

So next time you look at US Weekly and want to cry because those celebrities looks so good, think about what they go through to get there and cheer the F up. YOU can look like that too with small changes and hard work. Remember, THIN does not equal FIT. I don't think Paris Hilton could run half a mile without crying because her herpes are rubbing together. My grandmother weighs about 15 pounds and it takes her 45 minutes to get out of the car. And starving yourself is not the answer either. If you are exercising, protein and veggies are your best friends! Eat up!

I wouldn't lie to my beloved fans. I have tried starving myself (for an hour) many, many times and I never lost any weight until I started treating my body correctly. I think that anyone, including celebrities, would benefit from doing the same. And once you look that great, you can tell everyone that your secret is eating pancakes and walking upstairs once a month. Hey, if everyone else stays fat you will look THAT much better. Love you guys!

Monday, November 15, 2010


Hipsters, dolphins, people who agree with everything you say to the point where you just say contradicting things to listen to them agree with you...these are all things I hate. I also hate people who say “haha” after they try to make a joke on Facebook. If you have to write “haha,” your joke sucked anyways, erase the post. No need to bring nervous laughter to the internet.

Anyways, as you can see, I am just sitting on top of a rainbow surrounded by butterflies made out of M&M's and Ecstasy today. So I have chosen this fine Monday to add something else to the list of things I hate. Pinkberry. Place sucks. Let me tell you about my experience...

So Nick and I are driving to my parents house for a party, and I remember my friend Lauren (who 99% of the time has outstanding taste in all things dessert-y) had told me that she got a coconut frozen yogurt at Pinkberry and it was the best thing she ever had. Being total foodies, we decided to try it out. I was so excited to try this place because I knew that all the celebrities always went there and they are so skinny and cool and I wanted to be skinny and cool too. It wasn't until after we left that I remembered that the only celebrity I have ever seen repeatedly eating Pinkberry is Kim Kardashian. So if you are trying to attract the likes of Ray-J or the entire NFL, get your ass to Pinkberry. Otherwise, stay away or your pants are probably going to explode.

The first thing I noticed when I walked in was the crowd. Tons of 50 yr old women with perfectly straight bob haircuts. So I mean, it was the type of people I usually hang out which got me really jazzed right from the get-go. I walked up to the counter where the worker (who was nice) told me all about how this magic yogurt is made up of a big mixture of fat free ingredients and unicorn piss and blah blah blah....whatever I didn't care. I just wanted to see what all the hype was about.

I ordered up my yogurt and they told me I could get up to 4 toppings. I was pretty excited until I actually looked at the toppings section and got confused. For a place that prides itself on “health,” it looked like they had robbed the kitchens of the local trailer park to create their topping bar. Fruity Pebbles? Cap N Crunch? Am I sixty years old? Who the f eats Cap N Crunch in 2010? They DID have a good selection of fruit, so I asked for some strawberries as well as some “brownie bites” and took my seat amongst the sea of Stepford wives. The yogurt looked pretty good, and I was in the early stages of the food excitement sweats. I was ready to get down to business.

Unfortunately, soon after my first bite I knew that I had worked up that sweat for nothing. I would give the yogurt a 4 out of 10. It was just so totally unimpressive and far from delicious, I couldn't even bring myself to finish it. People think they are doing themselves a favor by getting Pinkberry instead of regular ice cream, but in reality they are still spiking their insulin and holding on to every single calorie they are taking in. Ladies, how is your husband going to resist the temptations on his business trips if the last thing he sees before he leaves is your big, jiggly, ass that clearly took too many trips to “healthy” Pinkberry? Luckily, Nick and I always know whats up when it comes to food, and after only a few bites we threw our cups away and left the shop very upset that we had just spent $10 on yogurt that tasted like dick. No wonder Kim Kardashian loves it there so much. In her defense, I didn't try the chocolate...OK OK OK I'm done.

The moral of this story is....JUST EAT REAL ICE CREAM. If you are going to have a dessert once a week, get some Ben and Jerry's and go to effing town on that shizz. Life is too short to pretend to like Pinkberry. With the exception of Lauren, who I know really loves it there, I think that everyone else who gets that crap is only pretending to like it. Even TCBY is so much better. Actually, TCBY is effing delicious and most people who go there are poor just like me. I may have my negative qualities (no I don't) but I know good food when I eat it, and Pinkberry is gross. Save yourself the trouble, and go to Coldstone right across the street. They put cake IN your ice cream FOR YOU and they sing. Best ever. See ya!!!!!

Friday, November 12, 2010


I know you are all wondering where I've been. Nowhere exciting is all I can say. I have to do my job that actually pays me. Until you people start offering to pay me in money, food, and casual encounters, the possibility that this blog could go on hiatus for a few days will remain very real.

So, lets catch up on my life. Beast of the East. I'm doing it next year. I am already scared. But I watched all those girls do all those workouts and I had no idea who was winning. So as long as nobody knows I am in last place, I don't care. Nick was a champion. He got 30th place out of 102. He WON one event which was the best thing ever. I already talked about this all over Facebook. Nick, your 15 minutes are up. You didn't win American Idol (but you better or I will dump your ass.)

In other news, I am a fat ass. I have gained about 7lbs. Its been about 2 months since this started. I THINK some of it might be muscle, but I KNOW all of it is fat. Don't fret my pets, I will not let my body expand any further. I wouldn't do that to you. I have the tools to remedy this situation (cocaine and cigarettes) and I plan on taking immediate action. Look for me pacing around outside your local package store.

I know you were probably expecting some great post after a week of nothing, but I promise I didn't do anything exciting. I got followed by a man speaking Spanish at this weird mall in Walpole last Friday. That was fun. I took it to mean that despite these extra 7lbs, I am still hot enough to catch the beady eye of a 5'2, non-English speaking, stalker. And for that, I will be forever grateful.

Well, its the moment you've all been waiting for....HAPPY FRIDAY MOTHERF*CKS! Tomorrow, we are throwing a birthday party for my Dad. He is 51 and he loves Hot Tamales and ill fitting athletic gear to wear while coaching 12 year old recreational basketball like its the NBA Finals. Hey, go big or go home...RIGHT? Happy Birthday, Dad! I am not even mad you are leaving your own party early to go to a poker tournament. OK, yes I am.

Here is a picture of me eating. This food is not responsible for the tremendous weight gain. That's from the Butterfingers. I really just love Butterfingers.

Friday, November 5, 2010


Its that time of the week again. Happy Friday! I will admit, I don't like having those weird conversations with people at work where they say " How are you?" and you say " I'm good, I'm so happy its Friday." Thats stupid. I don't like to just say things to keep it from getting weird. But we are all friends here, so there is nothing wrong with celebrating the weekend!!!!! Happy effing Friday everyone!!!!!

This weekend is a big weekend, not for me, but for Nick. He is competing in the Beast of the East competition on Saturday and I have more anxiety about it than he does. Beast of the East is a CrossFit competition where 100 men and 100 women compete in four different events to win the ultimate title of BEAST OF THE EAST. I personally am afraid that one of the events will be a run, and my little Mighty Mouse (Nick is not a large man) will get trampled like my grandfater did one time when he lined up at 5am to get my sister and me " Go Go My Walkin' Pups" for Christmas. The only thing easing my fear of this tragic death by stampede is that he signed up in the women's division. You go girl!

OK OBVIOUSLY, all sarcasm aside, I am so proud of Nick and I know he will do so great tomorrow (and YES, he is in the MEN'S competition.) I want everyone who knows him to wish him luck or you can't read my blog anymore. And I would also like everyone who would feel weird contacting him to MENTALLY tell him to kick some ass! Even if Nick comes in dead last tomorrow, it doesn't even matter because he will still get to unveil his brand new, shiny, black Under Armor leggings to the world. Clearly, the situation is a win/win. GO NICK! MAY THE LEGGINGS LEAD YOU TO VICTORY!

" Prepare to lose, bitches."

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Inferno Face!!!!!!!!!!

You know whats awesome? The Paleo Diet. I think everyone who reads this blog knows I am Paleo's biggest fan, but I just wanted to really stress the point that its the best way to live ever invented. You get to eat tons of bacon. You get to maul endless steak tips with no remorse. You can stuff your face with all kinds of delicious vegetables and never feel hungry. You become so effing skinny. I could go on all day about how the Paleo Diet has turned me into a new and improved person, but in this post, I want to focus on one specific Paleo benefit that is near and dear to my perfectly functioning heart. Today I want to talk about acne.

Another wonderful truth about the Paleo diet is that it helps you to have beautiful skin. I don't know how old you are, but I am 25. This means not only am I past my beer funneling, jello shot loving, staring at 18 yr old high school boys prime, but I am also too old to have acne. I used to have acne before I started eating Paleo and it SUCKED. It didn't show up until I got out of college and got an actual job that provided me with the means to buy myself Applebee's nachos five nights a week. But one day, from what seemed like out of nowhere, I looked in the mirror only to realize that I had the dreaded “ACNE FACE.” And by the way, I still stare at 18 yr old boys.

I spent a lot of time in tears over my new pimples and I tried every prescription medicine that the doctor could legally give me. All those creams just burned the crap out of my face, and left me with not just the acne face, but the even more feared INFERNO ACNE FACE. The INFERNO ACNE FACE is what happens when you have a big, fat, bloated, face covered in pimples but on top of that it is also BRIGHT RED and peeling. Its beautiful. The only cure was tanning in a tanning bed which helped a LITTLE. But, I knew I couldn't do that forever because I was on the brink of either death by skin cancer or turning into a black chick. Obviously, neither of those things were gonna fly with me because everyone knows I have too much to say to die in the near future and I am also the proud owner of the flattest ass on the planet. This was turning into a sticky situation!!!

It took me maybe a month after I started eating Paleo to realize that my pimples had disappeared. The really bad ones that I used to get were on the side of my face, and they were gigantic and painful and required constant maintenance with heavy makeup to conceal them from the world. Nowadays, I only get the occasional chin pimple that so nicely shows up to remind me that my favorite time of the month is fast approaching. As if the weeping at episodes of Biggest Loser wasn't enough of a heads up. Girl power!!!!!!

Once I realized that my acne had vanished into thin air, I went on the internet and looked up the link between acne and the Paleo Diet. What I found was interesting. What had been causing my acne the whole time was grains. Gluten specifically. As I said in a much earlier post, grains are not natural food for humans and they cause inflammation in the body. Acne IS inflammation. So it would only make sense that eating grains would result in me racing into the tanning bed with my face on fire trying to look like a normal person again. Grains suck. Do yourself a favor and eat an effing lettuce wrap, seriously. Last night I had chicken salad, in a Romaine lettuce leaf with some red onions and a little bit of Frank's Red Hot. It was delicious and I can happily say that not one part of my body is inflamed.

In all seriousness, it really is INCREDIBLY difficult to feel good and be confident when you think everyone can only see your acne (because no matter what your Mama tells you, pimples are the first thing people see on your face.) But thanks to the Paleo Diet, now everyone can stare at my beautiful face all the time and gasp in delight at my natural beauty rather than in horror at my inferno face. Which would you prefer?

I am sorry that this post may not have been as comically satisfying as some others, but this is a topic that means a lot to me. My struggles with acne took a huge hit on my confidence for the better part of a year. Let me tell you something, a big fatty fat fat with a giant red pimple face is not something you wanna be. Unless you're effing mental. For me, the Paleo Diet solved both these problems. I bet it would do the same for you. HERE is a link that further explains why grains are so bad for your skin. And FOR REAL, if you are thinking of going to get Benzaclin or Differin or any of those common prescription acne creams, try cutting out the grains first. Nobody likes a fire crotch...I mean face. BYE!

Friday, October 29, 2010

Happy Friday and Halloween!

Happy Friday! Happy Halloween! My only advice is, try to keep your shizz together this weekend. For most people, Halloween means candy and huge amounts of alcohol, and it IS a holiday so I won't preach against this. In fact, I will probably be participating in this. But, like I said...TRY to be a normal human.

Girls..if a guy in a gorilla suit whose face you cannot see feeds you 15 Kamakaze shots and invites you back to his apartment....say no. Be smart. Halloween is a good way for rapists to go unidentified. I was raised by a crazy mother who would not let me play in sandboxes for fear I would become infertile if I came into contact with cat crap. Toxoplasmosis or something....look it up. But thats my explanation for why I think things like that. Nobody wants to be raped by the Burger King, so please, be careful while you are having your slutty costume fun!

Have a good weekend everyone, and I will talk to you on Monday.

PS: I have a Burger King mask.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Update: Party Time..See Post below

Here are the Wet Bandits. THIS is a Halloween costume people. Not a sexy devil. Get yourself some paint cans, a crow bar, and a boyfriend who will do whatever you want including wear that wig and hit the town. Life doesn't get any better than THAT!

PS: This was last October when we were about a month into CrossFit. As you can see, my face had yet to deflate...patience is a virtue...

Party Time

Oh my god. My computer won't upload any pictures. I am very upset about this. I have food pictures, pictures of my cats, pictures of me in a bikini...everything. I don't care if you think its weird that I said I have pictures of me in a bikini. Whenever I am on Facebook and see beach pictures of people I immediately click on them and use my mental Sharpie to circle all their fat areas and think about what body parts of mine are better. Everyone does that. Its fun. And girls in bikinis are awesome, skinny or fat. So, if I ever get these pictures up, you can stare at my almost nude body for hours and give me mental liposuction till you're blue in the face. But this all depends on my computer, so you may just have to wait until the next time I'm getting my tan on, which won't be until the summer as I am far too poor to go on vacation. And you won't be able to stare at me for so long in person, because I will punch you in the stomach. Here's hoping my computer starts to work!

Moving along...I want to discuss a topic that I know I have brushed on in previous posts. Food at the office. Its my nightmare. Tomorrow, in celebration of Halloween (most anxiety inducing holiday ever,) everyone in my office is going to bring in their favorite dessert to ruin my life. Naturally, I immediately came up with some guidelines for myself, because if I just went into this without a game plan I would end up body slamming the table over and over with my mouth open until all the food was gone or I got fired. I don't know how that would look on my resume, so I came up with the following rules that will hopefully preserve both my stellar corporate persona as well as my mind-blowing physique. Here we go:

Rule 1) Wear tight clothes. I will be so crammed into my pants tomorrow it will be borderline grotesque (minus the borderline.) Also, I think I might wear one of those body suits that buttons at the crotch. If anyone has a nude body suit (full body including legs, crotch buttons optional) and wants to let me borrow it PLEASE CONTACT ME. I have been dying to show up to work in one of those for years, and I am willing to pay you in anything but money. WINK WINK.

Rule 2) ONE trip to the dessert party table. I am not going up there twice. When you go up to the dessert table a second time its always so awkward. You have to make weird comments like “ Oh my god, I'm so gross I know” or “ I am going to work out later, guys” and then everyone hates you and thinks you suck. I don't need any more people hating on me. I will see you all at the dessert table ONE TIME.

Rule 3) I can only eat desserts that I have NEVER had before or that I will probably not get the chance to have again for a long time. This means no ordinary chocolate chip cookies or cupcakes or brownies unless they are a flavor I've never had. Or have tons of weed in them.

Yep. Those are my rules. I can't wait to come flying in wearing my nude body suit, make a million excuses for why each dessert is different than anything I've ever had before, eat everything, and call it a day. I really hope none of that happens except for the nude suit. I promise I will impress you all, as I always do. I WOULD NEVER LET MY READERS DOWN.

PS: For those of you wondering why I hate Halloween, here is the answer. It sucks. Halloween is supposed to be fun and/or funny. For kids, its cute. For guys, its funny. For girls....ugh. Every girl my age puts so much emphasis on their stupid costumes and nobody has fun with it. And honestly, I have yet to see anyone that I've watched throw a Halloween hissy fit look exceptionally great when the big day finally rolls around. Last year me and Nick were the Wet Bandits and it was awesome. If you don't know who the Wet Bandits are, why are you reading my blog? This year I wanted to be Buzz Lightyear, but I couldn't afford to make my own costume, and my giant Swedish body would not cram into the kids size suit. So, as I declared on Facebook earlier in the week, I am dressing up as a crackhead this year, which will be no different from a regular Sunday for me anyways. Thats all I have to say about that.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Late Friday Post...

I know, I know. Where the HELL is my HAPPY FRIDAY post. Sorry. But here it is. And in my opinion, this late post is even more awesome because we will all be out of work in a few hours. If I said Happy Friday this morning, you would all be like "motherf*cker I have to wait all day to get out of work, my life is a suck festival." But now its like " Its only a couple of hours, Haley is so cool." I am declaring this the best Friday post yet.

So last night I went to Texas Roadhouse with my sister, my cousin Meg and my sister's loud boyfriend Janx. He paid for us. It was nice, and I am very grateful and appreciative. We ate so much meat, and Meg had her first meal at a restaurant as a converting Paleo. I say converting because she is still in the process. She cut down from 5 rolls to 1, so VIRTUAL HIGH FIVES AND BODY SLAMS ALL AROUND!

Anyway. Meg mentioned something INCREDIBLE at dinner. She said she would be so honored and give me all her life savings if she could be a guest writer on Health Gone Wild. Now, normally I would not let ANYONE touch my blog because people suck at writing. I have yet to come across anyone that I would even consider letting type one word on this blog. Even if it was a really funny swear word that they wanted to type. But for Meg, I will make an exception. Shes only 5 feet tall and shes full of pizazz. I couldn't say no. And if she was just saying it as one of those ideas that she thought would never really happen, well GUESS WHAT? I GOT MY READERS ALL EXCITED, SO START WRITING, BITCH.

So Happy Friday everyone! Do whatever you think is fun! As a general rule I could give two hippo nuts what other people do, but if you're happy I'm happy. I'll be spending my weekend doing what I do best. Crushing workouts, laying around, drinking wine, and being hilarious. See you all Monday!!!

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

So Worldly...

I found a good article. Its about how eating healthy fat will not make you fat, but it also briefly addresses a question I have had for quite some time. I always heard that people are so skinny in countries like Italy because they eat their meals slow and stop eating once they're full (lame.) But this still confused me because I know that the typical Italian diet includes pasta and bread. Then I thought about French bread and realized that the skinny little Frenchies are eating bread too. So what the hell is going on?

Well, I figured it out. People in Italy and France and other countries that are not big fat America might eat bread, but they don't ask for another basket when it runs out. Americans will literally order bread basket after bread basket until their pasta (with garlic bread) and chocolate cake finally gets brought over by the big fat waitress. Europeans may have a roll here and there, but they like to cook and they appreciate quality meat and seafood more than a tasteless piece of bread. Americans appreciate Panera. In case you were wondering, Panera makes me want to end my life. NINE DOLLARS for a pre-made half sandwich and some weird soup that comes out of a bag? And some hard bread that cuts the top of your mouth when you try to eat it? They should pay me to eat that garbage. If you are going to eat crap, just go to Burger King where the bread is soft and you can stay in the car and shove so many french fries in your mouth at a time for $4 cheaper. F*ck fre-Wifi, Panera is for lame ass hipsters who don't know anything. If I ever get the urge to dip hard bread in bagged soup and stare at crazy people, I can go to the Pine Street Inn for free. Effing Panera.

Anyways. So this is the answer to the question of why Europeans can still be thin when they have carbs in their diet. The thing to focus on here, is that THIN does not mean FIT. Europeans may be skinny, but from what I have seen, they smoke a lot of cigarettes which results in less eating. Also, they ride bikes everywhere, so that is also a factor. And, with any country, there are always exceptions to the rule. I am sure there are tons of gigantic people in Europe, just as there are tons of (OK, just me) sexy Americans. So, while my opinion on why Europeans are skinny may not be the most SCIENTIFIC (yes it is,) its definitely something to think about when thinking about cutting grains out of your diet.

I think what we can learn from this is that if we want to stop being fatty round heads, we can either cut down on the grains, or take up smoking on a bike. If you have any further questions, I'll be at the Pine Street Inn.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Ultimate Cheat Day

There were no steak and cheese bowls. I just got a steak and cheese wrap from D'Angelo. I know. I ate a wrap. Thats the first wrap I've eaten in probably over six months. I deserved it though, I was so tired and I watched "The Lovely Bones" all by myself. Don't do that. That movie is twisted. I've been Googling murder all morning. Here is a list of ways to not get murdered this winter...I would recommend printing it out and hanging it up.

Like I said before, the month long Paleo Challenge really didn't mean a whole lot to me because I was already eating Paleo long before it started. But when it ended, I obviously acted like it was the hardest month of my life and stuffed my face with brownies, donuts and steak and cheese wraps. Hell to the yeah.

I realize that I write a lot of posts on here that really focus on the days where I mess up. I promise I have good days too. In fact, I have mostly good days. But if "Lovely Bones" taught me anything, its that if I am going to be molested and slaughtered in some weird underground clubhouse built by the psycho next door neighbor tomorrow, I am going to eat six brownies, a donut stick, a chocolate glazed donut, and a steak and cheese wrap TODAY. Thats an actual list of what I ate.

But thats the glory of the cheat day, people. You can screw up one day, and fix it the next. Today I haven't eaten a thing. I know, I know, breakfast is so effing important blah blah blah. Hey guess what? If you consume 7,000 calories yesterday, breakfast isn't so crucial anymore. I have my chicken and spinach for lunch, and I am almost 100% sure I'll make it to noon without dying, even though I skipped breakfast. I may however, get spotted by a psycho murderer and not make it for five more minutes. Life is full of surprises!

Friday, October 15, 2010

Friday Sucks

You know what. Friday sucks. I only like Frinight. I made that up. It means Friday night. I graduated college summa cum laude.

Yesterday I went to the doctors because I thought I had skin cancer on my face. The doctor looked at the questionable freckle for one second, said it was fine, and then jammed me with a tetanus shot. Then I had to get blood taken. WTF? Naturally I was stressed out by this shocking and unexpected turn of events, so I did what any normal person would do and drank tons of wine at Quan's Kitchen. Hey, at least its Phantom approved.

Needless to say, I look really good right now and feel really great. And I just realized I went to a Chinese restaurant after I just declared my hate for them on Monday. Please never listen to anything I say because while I may be tetanus free, I am clearly a liar and a d-bag.

The Paleo challenge ends tomorrow. That doesn't really mean anything to me though, because my Paleo challenge is never-ending. But for the people at my gym, and anyone else who may have done the challenge from this blog (ha!) its over tomorrow. So go make yourself a Sour Patch Kid casserole little champions! You did it!

Actually, the interesting thing is that a lot of people at the gym are planning on sticking to Paleo even after tomorrow because they love it so much. How could you not love a lifestyle that makes you skinny, sexy and healthy so that you can parade your hot bod all over the planet for way longer? One gym member even figured out how to make Paleo brownies. Here is a recipe for these. Make me some. Thanks, bye!

And by the way...Happy Frinight! I love weekends more than anyone. Especially since I got into CrossFit, because there is NOTHING that makes me happier than doing an awesome workout in the morning, sitting around all day like a useless idiot, and then cooking a gigantic dinner and slamming it down my throat. That is my perfect day. I will be a little bit cheesy and say that I am very lucky to have Nick around cracking horrible jokes and telling 20 minute stories that could be told by a normal person in five seconds, because a day of sitting and cooking would not be as fun without him . This weekend I am going to make steak and cheese bowls. I'll post a picture and recipe on Monday. Whatever you all do this weekend, enjoy yourselves! Get outside and do something active! That way when you end up at Quan's totally shizz-hammered a few hours later, you won't feel like a TOTAL loser. Only a little loser. See ya Monday!

Wednesday, October 13, 2010


You may have seen this article already, but in case anyone hasn't, HERE is where chicken nuggets come from. Now, I haven't eaten fast food in a very long time, and I am thankful for that after reading this article. However, I thought about it, and this will not stop me from eating delightful little golden fried chicken nugs in the future. That weird pink tube is delicious, and I will easily forget I ever saw this picture when the day comes for me to have a major cheat and hit up McDonalds. I'm disgusting, get the hell over it.

I'll have a #10 with a diet coke and a double cheeseburger to go!

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Lesson Learned...

This weekend I ate Chinese food for the last time. OK, maybe not. But definitely for the last time in a LONG time.

It seemed like the best idea ever. Avoid fried things and noodles and just get some beef and broccoli, with a nice side of spare ribs, some wings, and some garlic chicken. High calorie, yes, but it was Saturday and reading the menu gave me the sweats from excitement. Nobody was going to try to stop me or they were going to get head butted. And with a head the size of mine, thats pretty much guaranteed death. I was absolutely going to take down a bucket of pig fat while watching Cops, and if someone had to die in the process, they clearly deserved it.

So, fast forward to an hour later, and slowest driver on Earth Nick finally brings me my food. I eat it all, and things are good for about five minutes until I fall asleep. Now, I know I am always falling asleep all over town, but this was different. It was barely 8pm, and it HURT to keep my eyes open. I went up to bed, but I didn't really get to sleep because I spent the whole night in the bathroom ready to puke. Worst part: I NEVER PUKED. Just sat there so incredibly nauseaus preparing for a battle that the enemy never showed up for. Second worst part: I had to keep running down the dark hallway past the scary empty bedroom where I am pretty sure that vampire girl from that new movie and Candyman live together waiting to chase me and murder me. Chinese food sucks.

You are probably not surprised by this at all. Obviously I am not the first person to feel like they are going to turn into the Exorcist and puke all over the ceiling after eating Chinese food. But, maybe you don't know who you are dealing with. My stomach is the business. Absolute steel trap. I can eat two chili dogs and a fried dough and ride The Zipper 45 times with a smile on my face. I could probably drink a gallon of chunky milk and then dominate a handstand contest. Unless I have the flu, I don't have an upset stomach. How do you think I got so fat in the first place? By getting the runs from eating five Doritos? Hell no. I could eat the whole bag sprinkled on top of a cheeseburger and cannoli pizza at 6am. I'm awesome. You should know that by now.

I think what happened here is simply poor quality. Since I started eating Paleo, I have cooked everything I eat in either butter (from grass-fed cows) or bacon grease (from nitrate free bacon.) Occasionally I will use a cooking spray, but I try not to because when you heat them up they turn into trans fat. I dont know what Chinese food restaurants cook with, but I am 98% sure its sweat they collect off eachother on the ride into work. 20 people in a van, its gonna get a little steamy. That, combined with MSG and good old mystery meat, was enough to upset even my stomach. I can only imagine what it would do to a normal person. You'd probably be in diapers for a month.

What I am trying to get at is that you can be Paleo all you want, but the quality of the food you eat is really important. There is a major difference between eating free range chicken breast versus a McDonalds hamburger patty. Clearly, there are going to be times where you want to eat crappy food, but even if you avoid grains and stay Paleo, there might be consequences if you eat low quality meat marinated in rhino pee. I know that nobody is perfect, and steak on a stick is delicious, and fortune cookies are fun as hell. But save yourself the trouble, and I'll just tell you your fortune right now. If you eat anything that comes out of a weird white box, you will spend your night hugging the toilet and wishing for death. I will leave you with that.....

Friday, October 8, 2010

Its the Freakin Weekend!

This title is reminding me of how much I love R. Kelly (as a singer and role model) and how much I want to blast Remix to Ignition the whole way home and sing it so loud. Party Ride!

Whats everyone doing this weekend? I have a lot of challenges to overcome in the food department. Work party tonight (wine), Chinese food tomorrow (deep fried mystery animals), and a wedding on Sunday (stuff on toothpicks). This should be interesting. Stay tuned....

Enjoy your long weekend everybody!

Thursday, October 7, 2010

I'm Soooo Stressed....

I say I am stressed out at least ten times a day. I could be laying in bed with nowhere to go and absolutely not one thing to do, and the words “I am so stressed” will come flying out of my mouth for no reason. That's obnoxious. I am surprised someone hasn't punched me in the neck by now. Seriously. Homeless people should be stressed out. Scott Peterson should be stressed out. Haley should not be stressed out. I mean, I don't have a lot of money to throw around at the strip club, but internet porn is free and I don't really like to leave the house anyways. And its not like I am so poor that I am living like a medieval wench and blogging by candle light while lice crawl all over my body. I can pay my electric bill most of the time. And I got rid of the lice last week.

When I call up my mother to complain about my stress, she always says “ I thought all this exercise would be making you less of a raging bitch.” Melansons don't hold back.. And then I say “ I know Ma, I don't know why I am still a stressed out mental case. By the way, I'm coming home on Saturday, so please give me $60 or I'll flip the f*ck out.” And then I hang up and start driving 100 miles per hour weaving in and out of traffic like a black dude in a 1995 Lexus. Talking on the phone stresses me out.

Eventually, after enough of these really uplifting and beautiful conversations with the woman who birthed my gigantic head, I came to the realization that maybe she was right. I read everywhere that exercise is supposed to release endorphins and make you feel great all day. So why do I still feel stressed?

Personally, I hate all this talk about how exercise releases endorphins, because I found a list of things that cause your brain to release them and one of them was “riding a dolphin.” HUH? A) I hate dolphins more than anything (skins too tight, they look like they might explode) and B) WHO RIDES DOLPHINS? Like, when I am in a bad mood I watch Family Guy and tell people what I hate about them. I think hitching a ride on a marine mammal is a little extreme. I'll get my endorphins from watching hilarious television and basking in the misery of others. I'm all set with Flipper and his rubbery, clicking, gyrating friends. Weird.

Don't get me wrong, I know that endorphins are real, I'm not an idiot. I HAVE noticed that during, and immediately following a workout, I feel GREAT. I am smiling like a freak, laughing at horrible jokes, talking to everyone about nothing, high-fiving people I don't even know...its like I am on drugs. But this feeling only lasts about twenty or so minutes, and then I am in my car worrying about all the things I have to do when I get home and working myself into a tizzy over how much I hate Sammi Sweetheart. Seriously, Snooks and J-Woww were just trying to help you with that note...Ronnie is a midget from hell. Great now I am all worked up. Get me a dolphin.

I am writing this post because I am curious to see how other people feel. I love exercise. I love the way it makes my body look and feel. I love that I look good in clothes. I love that I feel like I am being productive on the days I go to the gym. But as far as stress goes, I don't really know how effective exercise is for me. Don't get me wrong, I can channel my anger into a workout better than anybody. I actually think this is a really useful tool. But if something is bothering me before I go to the gym, its going to be bothering me again about a half hour after I am done working out, even if I use that particular issue as my motivation. So let me know! What do you think? Does working out relieve your stress for the whole day? Or are you like me and you just have the relief for a short period after, and then you start to think about the Jersey Shore and want to put your fist through your windshield? OK, maybe I'm being dramatic. But I really want to know. How long are you feeling “stress free” after your workout is over? OH GEEZE, I hope someone answers me.

PS: I don't know why that picture says “Pic Unrelated” on it. I don't really care either.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Pour Some Sugar On Me......No Wait...Don't.

Today I want to talk about sugar. Before I went on the Paleo Diet, I never gave a mother eff about sugar. I would rather have downed an entire pizza over an ice cream sundae any day. Or everyday (which I did.) Cookies, cake, candy...meh. I could take it or leave it. Most of the time I would take it just because it was there, and look where that got me. A one way ticket to Fat Girl Who Thinks Shes Super Hot-ville. But the point is, I never had a craving for a sleeve of Oreo's before I became a Paleo girl. And even though its not every day, I would be lying if I said I didn't have my moments where all I want to do is eat Pop Tarts covered in Hershey's syrup while watching Willy Wonka. I may be BETTER when it comes to eating, but if you think I am PERFECT you have very low standards.

At this point you are probably like WTF? Why is this crazy bitch advocating eating Paleo when all she really wants to do is challenge people to munchkin eating contests? Why is she telling people to try out a lifestyle that is going to have them parked in front of 7/11 with all the scratch ticket addicts sucking down pixie sticks like Hiroshima is tomorrow? Well, the answer to this is simple my little sugar plum fairy.....YOU CAN OVERCOME THE CRAVINGS.

When I wasn't eating Paleo, I had nothing to stop me from eating anything I wanted. My diet consisted of whatever struck my fancy, which was usually all disgusting processed crap. I was a big fan of front-loading my calories. I would eat enough for 14 truck drivers before noon, and then say I was going to make up for it with a healthy dinner. And then when dinner time came around, I would eat a box of Hamburger Helper in five minutes and tell myself that tomorrow was a new day. This went on for years. And over the course of these years of getting fatter and grosser, I gave into every craving I ever had. If I wanted a Starburst, my giant face was plastered up against that vending machine in less than two minutes. If someone brought in a cake to work, I was standing first in line like effing Orphan Annie waiting for her porridge. I mean what is a worse/more embarrassing/more hilarious image than a big fat girl holding a tiny plate, looking weird and waiting in line for someone she barely knows to cut her a piece of their birthday cake? Seriously, get that visual going in your head....its a f*cking nightmare!

OK, where am I going with this? Well. When I had no guidelines, I had no clear list of foods I should avoid. I was calorie counting and those calories came from whatever I wanted. So I would start out the morning eating bad, and then vow to eat healthy the rest of the day. The problem with this was that the sugary, processed, carbohydrate packed foods I was choosing were spiking my insulin and making me hungry for more of the same junk for the whole rest of the day. Its impossible to eat a strawberry frosted donut for breakfast and stick to a healthy diet for the remainder of the day. You will either A) say “This sucks, I already blew it, I am going to stuff my big giant face with everything in sight.” or B) ward off those cravings for more carbs and sugar by eating smaller portions of MORE carbs and sugar which your body will store right on your ass as cellulite. SEXY!

So how do you break the cycle? Its simple. No sugar for three weeks. You have to forget what chocolate tastes like. You have to pretend that ice cream makes you want to projectile vomit. This means no fricken cereal bars too. I know I have said this a million times, but just because a NutriGrain bar is low calorie does not mean its good for you. Its filled with jelly. Skip your three bites of weird processed grains and disgusting mystery fruit jam and cook yourself an egg. Three weeks of this and I PROMISE your cravings will subside. If they don't, you can try to beat me up, but we all know that would be a waste of your time and I might break a nail.

Now. Please remember I NEVER SAID that you would never get another craving for sugar. For me, there are three days out of every month where the only food that appeals to me is a Ruffles and Brownie sandwich. All I can say about this is, pick your battles. If your mouth is watering, you should probably eat some M&M's. If you are just thinking you MIGHT want some chocolate, but you don't have that overwhelming crazy hyena sugar craving....don't eat it. Just try and see how long you can go without sugar, and watch how your cravings for junk get further and further apart. Then, the next time Reggie from accounting's birthday comes around, you can leave the fat Orphan Annie job to someone else.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Happy Friday!

The weekends here! I have a new post I am working on, but everytime I get a good thought going my stupid job gets in the way. Any professional athletes that are looking for a wife who is hilarious, sexy as hell, and willing to look the other way when 55 midget strippers march single file into the Boom Boom Room in the basement, please call me. I need a Sugar Daddy so Health Gone Wild can get the attention it deserves. And we can pop bottles of Cristal all night long after I am done blogging and you are back from court with your baby mama....It will be a fairytale.

Anywhoo...new post soon I promise. For now, I leave you with Paleo Dog.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Rainy Monday...

I have a major problem. Well, I have several major problems, but specifically relating to this blog I have one specific dilemma. I can't think of anything to say about my month of not drinking. Nothing happened. It wasn't that hard, I didn't lose any weight, and if I wrote a whole post about it nobody would read this blog ever again. I'm not really sure why I thought a month of not drinking was going to make for a really hilarious and insightful post at the end of the 30 days. It didn't. It resulted in this crap. So I'm not saying anything else about it.

Fight Gone Bad was awesome. Thanks to everyone who donated, and if anyone reading this was there, good job. I still hate exercising in front of people. I was so nervous. I tried not to show it but I almost peed my pants. I always sign up for the first round of everything so I can be done with it before everyone else. I don't like to wait around and be nervous. That just allows more time for people to try and talk to me while I'm all distracted and I act all weird and people probably think I'm either slow or a serial killer. I'd rather just avoid that, so I go first. This is boring too. I'm sorry.

I switched buildings today at work so I feel really bizarre. I'm in the Meditech building right on the highway, so if you're driving on 128 you should moon me or something. It might wake me up. I am exhausted because I didn't go to sleep until 6:30am on Sunday morning. I stayed up all night talking with my friend Renee about her vacation to Gator World. She asked for that shout out. And she really went to Gator World.

I want to post some pictures from Fight Gone Bad so everyone can see how cool I am, but I don't think anyone has put any up yet. There is a video circulating facebook that shows footage of everyone doing the workout but I AM NOT IN IT. Maybe that's for the best though. I look like I am trying to give birth to a manatee when I exercise. I probably was in the video originally and got edited out for being too terrifying. Or sexy.

So that's my life for today. I apologize for the lack of earth shattering events. If you haven't figured it out by now, I am super poor and borderline narcoleptic, so if you have been holding on to any hopes of me writing posts about doing something exciting, you should let them go. Sometimes its hard to find material when all you do is workout, eat, and talk about Gator World. But nobody can ever say I didn't try.

By the way, here is a link to a website I found for Paleo Recipes. Its called PaleoGirls which I like, because I am a girl.And PaleoBoys sounds like porn.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Busy Week...

I apologize for the lack of posts this week. For once, I am busy at work with actual things to do! It sucks changing jobs and you just sit there and feel like more of a pain in the ass than a help. But now I am slowly (very slowly) starting to help out. Then by the time I get home from the gym and eat its late and I pass out. My life is so thrilling.

The Paleo Challenge is going great. I haven't had any major cheats or lost that many food points. Sunday night I had a Blizzard. It was awesome. So that was a 2 point day because otherwise I was perfection. How is everyone else doing?

Tomorrow marks my one month of no booze. I will post my reflections on the month probably sometime tomorrow afternoon. 99% sure its going to either be a haiku or just my mug shot when I get arrested for drinking out of a box of Franzia while driving to work tomorrow morning. Same same.

Also, even though I have already solicited the living crap out of everyone I know, Saturday is Fight Gone Bad at CrossFit508. If anyone is interested in donating, there is a link to my page a few posts down. Also, if anyone wants to come, let me know. It really will be so fun and I am going to drink a beer directly afterwards so maybe I will let you have one (no I won't, bring your own.) But for realz, its for a good cause and I promise you will come out of it alive.

OK, I gotta get back to work. Busy woman/girl. At least its Thursday. Thursday is a good day. Especially today because its the first day of fall. :) This means I get to buy tons of new clothes and wear them to my couch. :)

Monday, September 20, 2010

The Moment We've All Been Waiting For..

OK, it's Paleo Challenge time. I got the rules at my gym, and this challenge is going to be easier than I thought. Not easy in the sense that you can eat whatever you want, but easy as in any idiot can follow it. So here is how it works.

4 Points - Perfect day. No cheating at all. You ate meat,eggs, vegetables, nuts and some fruit. You also drank a shizz ton of water. Good job.

3 Points - One tiny cheat. You had cream in your coffee or a spoonful of peanut butter. Even using ketchup makes it a 3 point day.

2 Points
- One medium sized cheat. Everything is Paleo but you drank a beer, or you ate a baked potato. You are accumulating fat by the second. Get with the program.

1 Point- One bad meal. You eat a Paleo breakfast and lunch but then you take down a bag of chips,a burger (with bread)and fries. Everyone hates you at this point.

0 Points - You got your period today. You ate ice cream for breakfast, 15 twinkies for lunch, a box of Rice Krispie Treat cereal for a snack, and 75 candy necklaces for dinner. You also drank a 12 pack of coke and 30 pack of Guinness. A zero point day is when you just blow it.

Additional Information:

4 Points for every CrossFit workout you do.
1 Point for every half hour of additional exercise.

I understand that if you are going to do this challenge off this blog you might be saying " who cares about all these points if I am not going to win a trip to spring break Cancun at the end?" I know. It sucks that I am too poor to offer a prize. I would also love to shake my thang for Carson Daly on a stage in front of thousands of sexy frat boys. But, even though I cant offer you anything except a virtual hug for participating in this challenge, keeping track of the points is a good way to avoid letting yourself down. You aren't going to feel good after a zero point day, so why not try to see how long you can go without having one? Then,at the end of the month when you look like a total dreamboat, you can send yourself and your new hot body on the tropical vacation of a lifetime. And invite me. And pay for me. And tell everyone we meet how awesome I am. Oh wow, this is the best challenge ever.

One more thing...

I know that I have been obsessed with eating plain Chobani yogurt since the day Health Gone Wild was born (and it was not an easy delivery.) So I have some bad news about that. No more yogurt. No more cheese. No more dairy unless its Raw Milk. Raw Milk is unpasturized and you need to get it at a farm. If you're interested, let me know and I can tell you where I get mine. Its not gross. I was so freaked out by it, but its fine. The cows eat grass, not candy and corn (and maybe candy corns,) like the cows in those giant milking warehouses. This means they don't have ecoli or any weird diseases that could make you sick. I know that cutting out dairy is really strict, so if you want to take all 3 point days and have some plain greek yogurt, thats your call. No judgment here. But I will probably secretly hate you.

I am starting this challenge today. Its 9:39 am and so far, so good. I have been awake for almost 3 whole hours. Don't hesitate to email me with any questions about anything. Seriously, anything. I know a lot and I love gossip. Remember: meat, eggs, nuts (no peanuts), vegetables, fruit. If its not on that list, you probably can't eat it. Good luck!

Here are some pictures of food I ate this weekend.

This is a chicken. Its Nature's Promise from Stop and Shop. I also made meatballs to go with it to watch the Patriots game. Meatfest 2010 was a major hit.

These are scallops wrapped in bacon. These are so easy to make. Just cook the bacon a tiny bit, wrap it around the outside of the scallop like a tire (this way you can just cook the scallop right in the frying pan.) Little salt,pepper, and lemon. 2 minutes on each side in the pan. Notice they are half gone because I ate some before the picture was taken. Talk about rich people food, huh??????

Roast beef, broccoli, and mashed sweet potato with cinnamon and butter. This had me sound asleep by 9:30pm on Saturday.

This is Ned. He's sleeping off his depression because he doesn't have any balls anymore. Apparently castrations a real bitch.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010


I am participating in a fundraiser at my gym for the Wounded Warriors and Livestrong Foundations called Fight Gone Bad. Instead of doing a road race, CrossFitters all come together to do Fight Gone Bad, which is one of the recurring CrossFit workouts. This event is going down Saturday September 25th from 7-11am at CrossFit508 in Attleboro and it is open to ANYONE. I would really appreciate any donations, but I would LOVE if anyone reading this would want to come down and participate. The workout can be scaled to anyones abilities, and several people work at the same time at different stations. This way, you don't have to be scared of coming in LAST PLACE! I PROMISE a great time to anyone who shows up, so feel free to ask me any questions.

I am currently in no position to be donating to charities, so no worries if you are just too poor to help. But even $2 will make a difference! :)

Here is the link to donate to the cause.


Let Me Explain...

I have no clue how to describe CrossFit to people. When people ask me what CrossFit is I say the dumbest things. I start to ramble off weird words like “kettle bell” and “double under,” then things get uncomfortable, and nobody learns shizz about shizz. I think because I'm a girl, a lot of people think that CrossFit is like Curves. I have been asked if its like Curves at least three times. Is that all you idiots think I am capable of? Parading around in a ridiculous circle of machines with a group of geriatric women fake laughing at their tales of hot flashes and hemorrhoids? Even fat Haley wouldn't go to Curves. Get real.

I try to make it clear that CrossFit is probably the exact opposite of a program like Curves, but my explanation always leaves people looking like I just told them I chase lovable woodland creatures and strangle them for my daily exercise (that's only when I can't afford groceries.) I say “Oh, its a fitness program where you combine strength and cardio, and you do a lot of body weight exercises like pull-ups, and then you do Olympic lifting.” Then I get a blank stare and another add-on to the list of “People Who Think Haley is Out of Her Goddamned Mind.” Awesome.

While I think that CrossFit is probably the best thing that ever happened to me besides fat Gary from Teen Mom, the one problem with it is that ITS SO FRICKEN HARD TO EXPLAIN. The only way I can successfully get someone to comprehend what I am doing in the gym is by describing specific workouts, and people hate that. They lose interest. They start looking around, checking their phone, and texting their homies saying “OMG Haley iz a total d-bag LOL.” I cant be responsible for this anymore!

So I am going to try to describe CrossFit right now. I am going to write it out, and much like everything else I do, its going to be mind-blowing. If you still don't get it, its OK (no its not.) Just ask me a question in the comments!

Here we go:

So CrossFit workouts are really hard. Harder than almost anything else that you will ever do. Some days you go in and the workout is that you get seven tries to deadlift as much weight as you can. On other days the workouts are more cardio intensive.. An example would be, 5 Rounds of run 400 meters, 20 pullups, and 20 box jumps. Then there are the days where the workouts are quick and involve both strength and cardio. For example, the dreaded “Fran” takes under ten minutes, but I have literally shed a tear over this workout. 21-15-9 of Thrusters (google it) and pull-ups. I have a shirt that says “ I Love Fran” but guess what? I f*cking hate Fran.

Aside from the occasional “Run 5K” workout (maybe once a year,) the longest run you will see in a workout is a mile and even that is rare. Mostly you run 400 or 800 meters at a time (1 or 2 laps of a track.) The cardio exercise that you do in a CrossFit workout is just so far beyond running 3-4 miles I can't even describe it. Running 2 laps and doing 20 burpees 5 times is so much more difficult than just running for a half hour. Occasionally I will go for a 4 mile run to clear my head, and I am a better runner than I ever have been. People need to lose their mentality that you need to run for an hour to be in shape, and open up their minds to CrossFit, where you build strength and endurance AT THE SAME TIME.

Maybe this was helpful, maybe it wasn't. If anyone has a great way to explain CrossFit in one or two sentences and have people actually understand it, please let me know. For now, I am just going to stop talking about it and let my results speak for themselves. That's a lie, I never stop talking.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010


I am still sore from that 9/11 shindig. My workout this morning almost ended in a mental breakdown. My legs felt like they were made of cement and jelly (which coincidentally is also my favorite sandwich.) So tonight, I am going to hot yoga to stretch my large limbs all over the place. I have so many reasons to hate yoga. I hate the smell of the place. I hate the weirdos who teach the classes and then drive off all nervous in their Prius' with 100 vegetarian and coexist bumper stickers on them. I hate when everyone is barefoot. I hate straight men who act like doing yoga isn't gay. I could talk all day about how I hate yoga so much, but I won't because I love yoga so much.

The best part about hot yoga is the heat. I like sweating in certain situations. When I am exercising, sweat means I am working hard. When I am sitting in a room with giant pit stains and everybody else is freezing, it just means I ate too much and got the sweats. So during yoga, I like it to be as hot as possible so my sweat can drip off of my body and all over the room. This serves a double purpose, because if the 95lb, male, yoga instructor who is most likely an albino murders me and chucks me in a dumpster, I have already saturated the yoga room with my DNA...and I probably stuck my gum under my rental mat too.

Anyways, I really need to stretch my hammies, so at 7:30pm Eastern Time feel free to visualize me amongst the hipsters, in a 115 degree room trying to locate my third eye. That sounds gross. I feel like I should be saying “ Yea, I'll give ya a third eye..” but I don't quite know what I would be referencing so I'll let it go for now. But yes, tonight I am going to ignore all the sissy men, gross bare feet, and 100 asses in my face, so I can shake all this tension out of my muscles and finally be able to walk around the office and not look like a penguin with a peg leg. I hope somebody farts.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Paleo Challenge Update...and a Workout to Try!

I want to address the Paleo Challenge that I mentioned last month. If you haven't noticed, it hasn't happened. I announced it loud and proud that the kickoff would be September 1st, and it wasn't. I am the worst.

I promise you everything I am worth ( 2 cats and by now maybe the steering wheel of my Jeep) that I did not forget about this. There is a good reason why this challenge is on hold. I am waiting to get the guidelines from my gym, because I want the Health Gone Wild challenge to be exactly the same as the CrossFit508 challenge. This is so I don't get confused, and also so I know that the challenge has the appropriate level of do-ability. I don't want it to be so easy that we all gain weight and commit suicide. On the flipside, I don't want to be responsible for you fainting at the gym DJ Tanner style because you starved yourself to avoid being fatter than Gibbler at the boy/girl pool party. This Paleo Challenge is about FEELING better. I have no time for eating disorders and I honestly don't give an F how you look in a bathing suit (I still accept pictures though.) So, the new challenge kick-off date is September 18th. Stay tuned, cuties.

I know you are all dying to know, so I won't drag it out any longer. The September 11th Honor Workout that I mentioned in my last post was awesome. Thanks for asking. It was so hard, but I did it. I suck royally at deadlifts, and the first part of the workout was 100 deadlifts at 115lbs. This is how my life tends to work. Anyways, I suck so bad at deadlifting that prior to this 9/11 workout, the coaches at my gym filmed me doing them to show me how terrifying the situation really was. I looked like Grandmother Willow. I always use that term to talk about people who are really tall and weird looking and give off the illusion that they cannot control their humungous limbs. That was me in the video. Grandmother Willow. It was embarrassing.

Thankfully, by the time I got to CrossFit Providence on Saturday morning, I had done enough deadlift practicing in my head (way too lazy to practice them for real) that I marched right in there and did the best deadlift anyone has ever seen including God. I let Nick get first place in our round, which was smart of me because he was so happy with himself that he ran right home and cooked that chicken for me. He really doesn't know how lucky he is to have me.

OK Now that we are all caught up on my rock star life, I realize that I have not posted a workout for people to try in a long time. Today I am going to post a workout that I recently did in my front yard. This is a fun one because you do it with a partner. If you don't have any friends, please don't call me because this workout was hard and I already did it once. But you have done it ZERO times, so get on the Craigslist “Platonic Friends” section and find a suitable partner. Then later go back to the “Casual Encounters” and find ME a suitable partner....K here we go...

3 Rounds.

Partner A walks 100 meters holding 2 30lb dumbbells. One in each hand down by your sides. If you don't have dumbbells find something heavy. You can also just hold one giant heavy thing, over your head. I don't care what it is.

Partner B- Does burpees while this is happening. A burpee is when you jump down on your bully, then jump back up and clap over your head.

THEN SWITCH. So now partner B goes for the walk while partner A burpees.

When Partner B gets back from the “heavy object walk” Partner A stops doing burpees and goes for a 250 meter run.

Partner B will begin doing box jumps. If you don't have a 20inch wooden box, you cant jump onto anything. Stairs, a stump, or just jump up as high as you can.

When Partner A returns, SWITCH.

This is one round.

Keep track of box jumps and burpees and that will be your “score.” Try to beat your partner. If they beat you, get a new partner next time.

If you can't measure out 100 and 250 meters. The walk should take a minute and the run about a minute and a half.***

So basically

Partner A – walk with weight Partner B- Burpee
Partner B- walk with weight Partner A- Burpee

Partner A- go for run Partner B – jump
Partner B- go for run Partner A- jump

Do it three times.

I love you. Bye.

Friday, September 10, 2010

I Couldn't Even Tell You What This Post Is About...

Weekends here! Lets see what I have lined up. Tonight...ehh. I was up at 5am to workout, so I give it until 8:30pm before I pass out on the couch watching Bridezillas. I seriously love that show. It makes me feel so much less crazy, and let me tell you there are some days where I am cruising on that crazy train at about 160mph. That brings me to Saturday. In the morning I am actually doing something important for a change. I am going to CrossFit Providence at 7am (sleeping in woohoo!) to do a 9/11 honor workout. I am petrified because there might be mad peeps there and I get performance anxiety when it comes to exercise. I have been told I walk weird, run weird, and look ridiculous playing sports, so naturally, the idea of flailing my body around for a crowd makes me want to pass on (not a typo.)

But after that workout is done, I am going to try to avoid getting into a pile-up with all the Providence hood-rats in their 2 door Civics, so I can get home and cook a whole chicken. Then I am going to eat until I puke right on the floor like a 2 year old. Its gonna be awesome. I should mention that I have absolutely no idea how to cook a chicken and also absolutely no American currency to purchase any side dishes ( I have 20 British pounds in the top drawer of my nightstand.) So Saturday night its me vs. the chicken. I'm predicting a sad, sad defeat.

Luckily, most of the time Saturday is followed by Sunday, so I get to watch football which is awesome. I don't even think I can name any Patriots players anymore except for Tom Brady and only because he is a car smashing man-whore. This doesn't mean I don't enjoy coming within inches of 20-30 heart attacks during every Pats game, so bring it on, dudes! Mother of Christ I love the excitement that comes along with a life of poverty and sobriety. Really makes you appreciate the things you have (coffee, a couch, 20 British pounds, etc...)

In case you didn't notice, I said poverty and SOBRIETY which means I am still not drinking. In fact I am more than halfway through my 30 days. Wednesday was day 15 so that makes today day 17!!! I feel incredible. Just like Britney Spears after she gives her raggamuffin children the old 1-2 with a belt (DID YOU READ THOSE ALLEGATIONS? WTF?) But in all seriousness, since I stopped drinking, I notice that I can think clearer, I have more ambition, I remember things better, I don't have to issue mass apologies every Monday...its the best. Only problem, I haven't lost any weight. I WOULD find this discouraging because its pretty much the whole reason I stopped drinking in the first place, but I noticed that my clothes are fitting better so I am pretty sure I haven't gotten fatter. If you have seen me recently and LOLed at that last sentence because I am actually gigantic and just stupid as f*ck, please call me. I won't even be mad.

Well, I guess this post is kind of pointless, but I felt like writing and wanted to give a little update about whether I had fallen off the wagon. I have considered purposely launching off the wagon and getting super tanked just so I could tell you all the story, but then nobody would be impressed with me and I will never be a true hero like Susan B. Anthony or Jared the Subway Guy. Just kidding I hate those two.

To keep the pointless-ness of this post to a minimum, I am going to post what I eat for breakfast on most days. This may seem random, but its a question people ask me CONSTANTLY. Whenever I try to convert someone to the Paleo Diet (so like once an hour,) whoever I am talking to looks at me like I told them to lick Pamela Anderson's toilet seat and says in their best Veruca Salt voice “ But what will I eat for breakfast, Daddy?”

OK they don't call me Daddy (every time,) but this question bothers me, so here is what I eat for breakfast. I don't want to hear about how you don't think you could eat this because you don't have time or you are homeless, or WHATEVER. This is what I eat, and if you would like to try it, take it for a spin around the block. If not, I hope you starve to death. Happy Friday everybody!

Some Days Haley Eats

2 fried eggs. I like them over easy. Cage-free organic. You don't want them from the factory with the maggots.
3-4 slices of avocado. I used to hate avocados. But I forced myself to deal with it and now I love them. This mirrors how I feel about Nick.
Salsa on the eggs.
1oz of Parmesan cheese. You can buy blocks of this at Stop and Shop near the deli. It's really expensive which sucks, but it tastes so good. If you don't know what an ounce is...I would say a little less than half a deck of cards.

Other Days Haley Eats

Plain Chobani Yogurt. I buy the big container which has 4 servings, so try to eat about ¼ the container in a sitting.
Sprinkle on some cinnamon.
2 Tablespoons of Trader Joe's crunchy almond butter.
One scoop of whey protein powder.
SIDENOTE: you can substitute the yogurt for cottage cheese to switch it up. Its not gross, cottage cheese takes on the flavor of whatever u put in it so it tastes awesome.

AND FINALLY...here is a picture of me having fun at the gym....If you want to picture me at any point during this weekend, just come back and have a look at this masterpiece taken at CrossFit508 sometime last week when I was delirious and had no clue!