Happy Flingin Flangin Friday!

For some reason this week was the longest week of my life. And now there is an hour left, thank christ. HOW BOUT THIS WEATHER, HUH??? I ALMOST feel like its a nice, warm, spring day where I leave work and go directly home to eat steak and drink beer outside. I would punch a blind orphan square in the dick if that could be what I was really doing tonight. Instead I am going to the gym and making a grocery list. Then I will most likely fall asleep before 10pm. ***gLaMoUr GiRl***

This weekend I plan on cooking and not spending one dollar on anything other than food. I don't really feel 100% today, so this will be a good chance for me to just strap on my homeless guy suit and just really be myself. What that means is that I will be wearing pants with Spongebob on them and swearing a lot. Feel free to drop by!

I am particularly excited about one recipe I am going to make tomorrow, which is pineapple chunks wrapped in bacon. I don't even think I have ever held a whole pineapple in my hands before, so this will be like an episode of the Helen Keller cooking show and I can't wait! If the recipe is a success, I will post it so you can all try it out. Maybe if you're lucky I will even take a (NSFW) picture of me and my Paleo creation!

Have a good weekend everyone! All the Paleo challengers, stay strong, we are past the halfway mark! To all you normal people, drink a box of Franzia to your face in my honor! See ya next week!

Someone Buy Me Some Nose Drops...

Oh my god, I can't breathe. Seriously I have snorted so much nasal spray in the past two days its to the point where I am going to have to spend five bucks on another bottle. This pisses me off to no end. For any of you who don't know, I am severely addicted to nasal spray and its never going to end so keep your comments to yourself, asshole. When you are a freak like me who is allergic to literally EVERYTHING, those drops become your most prized possession. If I am out in public and realize I don't have them I FREAK OUT. Its scary and strange, and this is asinine, so lets get back to what the real point of this post...I cant breathe.

Why cant I breathe? Some of you might say that it might have something to do with those two asshat cats I have running around my house. WRONG. For your information, after a few weeks of dripping snot all over the house with my big, swollen Bride of Chuckie face, I actually adjusted to the cats and returned to my sexy, relatively snot free self. So again, keep your comments to yourself, asshole.

The reason why I can't breathe is because I am a big, fat girl on the inside who made up a million excuses to eat chocolate on Valentine's Day even though I am in a Paleo challenge. You may be saying to yourself “ Why the hell would this make you unable to breathe?” Well, I will tell you why. Its because sugar causes inflammation, which makes my allergies so bad that I cant even leave the house. I am going to try to explain the science behind this (OMG.) But I must warn you, even though I drew a weird picture of myself with no neck surrounded by beakers of bubbling liquid in my “When I Grow Up” first-grade drawing, I am not a scientist. Just the best blogger on the webz.

OK. Sugar is not recognized by doctors as an allergen because essentially, most of the food we eat is broken down into glucose by the body because that's what the brain uses for fuel. However, when we eat large amounts of sugar or high fructose corn syrup, it puts a MAJOR strain on our digestive system because, as humans, we are not meant to eat sugar. The human body has the ability to convert ANYTHING it takes in (including delicious protein) to glucose for brain fuel, so when I say LARGE AMOUNTS of sugar, it pretty much means ANY sugar as we do not need to consume it AT ALL. The sugar interferes with the absorption of vitamins, triggers inflammation of the digestive system, lowers our immune system, and can even f*ck with your metabolism (fat, fat, fat, big body, fat.) Thus, in plain English, when my body is working correctly: NO ALLERGIES. When I eat sugar like a total d-bag: ALLERGIES.

What this means to me, is that not only do I have other allergies that are made worse by sugar consumption, but who is to say I don't have some sort of intolerance to sugar itself? Sugar has been linked to a whole slew of problems in people including fatigue, joint pain, muscle cramping, and just being a total fatass. My friend Whitney says eating sugar makes her crazy, and it just so happens, people have reported that after eating sugar they noticed that they have more severe PMS. WHIT WAS THAT THE SHOUT OUT YOU WERE HOPING FOR?

If you take nothing from this post other than that I have weird allergies and Whit is batshit crazy, at least promise me you will give some thought to the dangers of sugar. We already know it makes us fat, but now there is a pretty good chance that it is also filling us up with boogers. Nothing worse than a big fatty blowing their nose all over the place and disrupting your peace and quiet when you are trying to blog your ass off in silence. Lay off the pixie sticks, and maybe you could stop sounding like a sex goose with all your mucus over there. Sex goose.

Cookies!!!!!!

At first I was kicking myself in the ass for not taking a picture of these cookies, but then I remembered that they literally look like absolute yeti shit. No joke. But they taste amazing and they are 98% Paleo, so I am going to post the recipe.

I am not lying when I say that everyone who has tried these little shit nuggets loves them. I am also not lying when I say that I ate 40 of them over a 2 day span one time. For those of you who are keeping track, thats an average of 20 cookies a day which beats my last record of 18 sugar cookies in one sitting. Does anyone else think I was supposed to be born a boy? Seriously...deep voice, no desire whatsoever to say things like "lmao" or "hun," and the appetite of the entire Hogan family? Well, add THAT to the list of things for me to stress out about. Right between "the apocolypse in December 2012" and "what color to get for my manicure"....yep, we will squeeze in "being a boy" right there.

GROSS LOOKING COOKIES

Ingredients

- 2 cups flax seed
- 2 cups diced walnuts (in the baking aisle)
- one bag organic dried apple rings
- 1 cup of honey
- cinnamon
- 2 eggs
- vanilla

Directions

1. Get a giant bowl and dump in the flax seed and the walnuts.

2. Microwave the cup of honey for thirty seconds. Add that to the bowl.

3. Add the two eggs to the bowl.

4. Add a little vanilla. About one tablespoon.

5. Chop up the apple rings into little bits, and add them to the bowl. As many as you want.

6. Stir the shit out of it and add so much cinnamon. Seriously, so much. I always overdo everything, and even I think I add a lot of cinnamon. Like a good 20 shakes or more.

7. Scoop little spoonfuls onto a buttered cookie sheet. You will need two cookie sheets, this recipe makes a lot of these little f*ckers. Also, they won't expand, so jam pack that tray.

8. Put in the oven on 350 for about 11 minutes.

9. MOST IMPORTANT STEP. The cookies will look absolutely terrible, and they will be so soft. Let them cool on the counter for 25 minutes and then I would recommend moving them to the fridge. They WILL harden.

10. Eat 20 today, and 20 tomorrow.

These cookies are better than regular cookies because they are gluten free and all natural. They also have a VERY low amount of honey per cookie as the one cup is spread out over the whole batch. As they get colder, they will stop looking like crap. But once you taste them you won't care how they look because these things are mad good.

Check it Out!

BIG NEWS!

Now if you read something you like on here you can share it on Facebook! These days even geriatrics are addicted to Facebook, so I am really hoping that this will increase the number of people reading my blog to AT LEAST 25.

So here it is! Haley in 2011...getting all technological on your asses and linking my blog to Facebook! Put this day in the books under MAJOR SUCCESS.

Also, you can "Like" Health Gone Wild as well with just one quick click. I will not be installing the "Mark as Offensive" button.

Sorry...Can't Eat That!!!

In recent weeks, a lot of people have been mentioning to me that it is hard to eat Paleo at parties. I agree with my little Paleo buddies 100%. In fact, every party I have ever attended has been pretty non-Paleo friendly with the exception of one, my uncle/aunt's birthday this past weekend. It was awesome. There was so much meat available because they read this blog every day and know very well that I have no problem causing major physical (but mostly emotional) damage to people who don't do what I want. Long hair, don't care. But sometimes, people don't know how scary I am, and they just go ahead like a total dick and throw a pizza party without asking me if that's what they should do. What the hell? This puts me in the worst situation of all time, except for maybe that time my steering wheel stopped working on the highway (really happened.) I can't eat pizza, but I don't feel like explaining Paleo to people who don't care and probably already hate me, so what the shizz should I do?

Every dedicated Paleo follower knows that it sucks when there is great food available to you and you can't eat it. The suckiness of the situation is amplified when the food is free. I love eating and I am poor as shit. Free donuts are lookin pretty good to me all the time. If I was going to be fiscally responsible, I would pound those donuts before anyone else could get there, and act confused when whoever bought them wanted to know where they went. But this isn't fatty dreamland, its Earth, and on Earth people who eat donuts get fat and die. So even if in the short term eating any form of free food appears to be the smarter choice, if I ever want to live long enough to be a billionaire blogger with the sexiest body over 50, I need to watch what the f I am eating. Thus, sadly I must always pass on free donuts. Nobody said my life was fun.

I do not want to mislead my readers into thinking that I am so perfect and never eat anything that is not Paleo. I WISH I could stay strict all the time, but the truth is, sometimes you get yourself in a situation where sticking to Paleo is just not worth it if you don't want people to think you are a total freakshow. For example, if the boss buys pizza for everyone, eat a piece. You don't want to get fired for being the ungrateful dickbag who thinks they are too good for pizza. Another example, sharing appetizers. Nobody likes the whining dinkus who sits there with their arms crossed and refuses to order nachos on a Friday night. If you have understanding friends who accept you for all your strange and annoying behaviors that's one thing, but if you are out with coworkers, or maybe some idiot actually asked you on a date, it might be best to just eat like a normal person. Don't tell the people you work with, or the person you are on a date with that you are a caveman for at LEAST 3 weeks. I would think this would be common sense, but I know some pretty stupid people, so just eat the nachos and shut up. Let them think you have that smokin bod AND eat whatever you want! No need to give up your secrets (or anything else...OK maybe if they are really rich) too soon!

If you are still confused about what situations to break Paleo in, let me break it down for you like this. Monday-Friday, you need to be strict. Eat a Paleo breakfast, lunch and dinner and try not to have any cheats. If on Thursday afternoon the boss buys pizza, take one small slice, say thank you, and then eat that slice WITH your Paleo lunch. You still want that protein. Then say Saturday comes along, and your friends order up some boneless buffalo wings. Don't have a hissy fit like a 2011 2-year-old whose parents let them “express themselves.” Eat a few of the damn wings and have a salad for dinner. A Paleo lifestyle should be a lifestyle that you enjoy, not one that forces you to be constantly worried about breaking the rules. Its not a diet, and therefore there should be no guilt experienced after the occasional slip up.

I don't really believe in reincarnation, so I am going to go out on a limb here and say that you only have one life to live. And, while eating a Paleo diet will enhance the quality and longevity of that life, pizza and nachos are delicious and people will think you're a weird serial killer if you never eat them.

In light of this 154th snow storm of 2011...I am going to post some pictures of things I like to do in the summer...ENJOY MOFOS!


I like to get my hair professionally styled.


I like to have productive Sunday afternoons.


I like to make new and exciting friends.


But what I HATE, is drawing attention to myself at the beach.