Friday, October 29, 2010

Happy Friday and Halloween!

Happy Friday! Happy Halloween! My only advice is, try to keep your shizz together this weekend. For most people, Halloween means candy and huge amounts of alcohol, and it IS a holiday so I won't preach against this. In fact, I will probably be participating in this. But, like I said...TRY to be a normal human.

Girls..if a guy in a gorilla suit whose face you cannot see feeds you 15 Kamakaze shots and invites you back to his apartment....say no. Be smart. Halloween is a good way for rapists to go unidentified. I was raised by a crazy mother who would not let me play in sandboxes for fear I would become infertile if I came into contact with cat crap. Toxoplasmosis or something....look it up. But thats my explanation for why I think things like that. Nobody wants to be raped by the Burger King, so please, be careful while you are having your slutty costume fun!

Have a good weekend everyone, and I will talk to you on Monday.

PS: I have a Burger King mask.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Update: Party Time..See Post below

Here are the Wet Bandits. THIS is a Halloween costume people. Not a sexy devil. Get yourself some paint cans, a crow bar, and a boyfriend who will do whatever you want including wear that wig and hit the town. Life doesn't get any better than THAT!

PS: This was last October when we were about a month into CrossFit. As you can see, my face had yet to deflate...patience is a virtue...

Party Time

Oh my god. My computer won't upload any pictures. I am very upset about this. I have food pictures, pictures of my cats, pictures of me in a bikini...everything. I don't care if you think its weird that I said I have pictures of me in a bikini. Whenever I am on Facebook and see beach pictures of people I immediately click on them and use my mental Sharpie to circle all their fat areas and think about what body parts of mine are better. Everyone does that. Its fun. And girls in bikinis are awesome, skinny or fat. So, if I ever get these pictures up, you can stare at my almost nude body for hours and give me mental liposuction till you're blue in the face. But this all depends on my computer, so you may just have to wait until the next time I'm getting my tan on, which won't be until the summer as I am far too poor to go on vacation. And you won't be able to stare at me for so long in person, because I will punch you in the stomach. Here's hoping my computer starts to work!

Moving along...I want to discuss a topic that I know I have brushed on in previous posts. Food at the office. Its my nightmare. Tomorrow, in celebration of Halloween (most anxiety inducing holiday ever,) everyone in my office is going to bring in their favorite dessert to ruin my life. Naturally, I immediately came up with some guidelines for myself, because if I just went into this without a game plan I would end up body slamming the table over and over with my mouth open until all the food was gone or I got fired. I don't know how that would look on my resume, so I came up with the following rules that will hopefully preserve both my stellar corporate persona as well as my mind-blowing physique. Here we go:

Rule 1) Wear tight clothes. I will be so crammed into my pants tomorrow it will be borderline grotesque (minus the borderline.) Also, I think I might wear one of those body suits that buttons at the crotch. If anyone has a nude body suit (full body including legs, crotch buttons optional) and wants to let me borrow it PLEASE CONTACT ME. I have been dying to show up to work in one of those for years, and I am willing to pay you in anything but money. WINK WINK.

Rule 2) ONE trip to the dessert party table. I am not going up there twice. When you go up to the dessert table a second time its always so awkward. You have to make weird comments like “ Oh my god, I'm so gross I know” or “ I am going to work out later, guys” and then everyone hates you and thinks you suck. I don't need any more people hating on me. I will see you all at the dessert table ONE TIME.

Rule 3) I can only eat desserts that I have NEVER had before or that I will probably not get the chance to have again for a long time. This means no ordinary chocolate chip cookies or cupcakes or brownies unless they are a flavor I've never had. Or have tons of weed in them.

Yep. Those are my rules. I can't wait to come flying in wearing my nude body suit, make a million excuses for why each dessert is different than anything I've ever had before, eat everything, and call it a day. I really hope none of that happens except for the nude suit. I promise I will impress you all, as I always do. I WOULD NEVER LET MY READERS DOWN.

PS: For those of you wondering why I hate Halloween, here is the answer. It sucks. Halloween is supposed to be fun and/or funny. For kids, its cute. For guys, its funny. For girls....ugh. Every girl my age puts so much emphasis on their stupid costumes and nobody has fun with it. And honestly, I have yet to see anyone that I've watched throw a Halloween hissy fit look exceptionally great when the big day finally rolls around. Last year me and Nick were the Wet Bandits and it was awesome. If you don't know who the Wet Bandits are, why are you reading my blog? This year I wanted to be Buzz Lightyear, but I couldn't afford to make my own costume, and my giant Swedish body would not cram into the kids size suit. So, as I declared on Facebook earlier in the week, I am dressing up as a crackhead this year, which will be no different from a regular Sunday for me anyways. Thats all I have to say about that.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Late Friday Post...

I know, I know. Where the HELL is my HAPPY FRIDAY post. Sorry. But here it is. And in my opinion, this late post is even more awesome because we will all be out of work in a few hours. If I said Happy Friday this morning, you would all be like "motherf*cker I have to wait all day to get out of work, my life is a suck festival." But now its like " Its only a couple of hours, Haley is so cool." I am declaring this the best Friday post yet.

So last night I went to Texas Roadhouse with my sister, my cousin Meg and my sister's loud boyfriend Janx. He paid for us. It was nice, and I am very grateful and appreciative. We ate so much meat, and Meg had her first meal at a restaurant as a converting Paleo. I say converting because she is still in the process. She cut down from 5 rolls to 1, so VIRTUAL HIGH FIVES AND BODY SLAMS ALL AROUND!

Anyway. Meg mentioned something INCREDIBLE at dinner. She said she would be so honored and give me all her life savings if she could be a guest writer on Health Gone Wild. Now, normally I would not let ANYONE touch my blog because people suck at writing. I have yet to come across anyone that I would even consider letting type one word on this blog. Even if it was a really funny swear word that they wanted to type. But for Meg, I will make an exception. Shes only 5 feet tall and shes full of pizazz. I couldn't say no. And if she was just saying it as one of those ideas that she thought would never really happen, well GUESS WHAT? I GOT MY READERS ALL EXCITED, SO START WRITING, BITCH.

So Happy Friday everyone! Do whatever you think is fun! As a general rule I could give two hippo nuts what other people do, but if you're happy I'm happy. I'll be spending my weekend doing what I do best. Crushing workouts, laying around, drinking wine, and being hilarious. See you all Monday!!!

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

So Worldly...

I found a good article. Its about how eating healthy fat will not make you fat, but it also briefly addresses a question I have had for quite some time. I always heard that people are so skinny in countries like Italy because they eat their meals slow and stop eating once they're full (lame.) But this still confused me because I know that the typical Italian diet includes pasta and bread. Then I thought about French bread and realized that the skinny little Frenchies are eating bread too. So what the hell is going on?

Well, I figured it out. People in Italy and France and other countries that are not big fat America might eat bread, but they don't ask for another basket when it runs out. Americans will literally order bread basket after bread basket until their pasta (with garlic bread) and chocolate cake finally gets brought over by the big fat waitress. Europeans may have a roll here and there, but they like to cook and they appreciate quality meat and seafood more than a tasteless piece of bread. Americans appreciate Panera. In case you were wondering, Panera makes me want to end my life. NINE DOLLARS for a pre-made half sandwich and some weird soup that comes out of a bag? And some hard bread that cuts the top of your mouth when you try to eat it? They should pay me to eat that garbage. If you are going to eat crap, just go to Burger King where the bread is soft and you can stay in the car and shove so many french fries in your mouth at a time for $4 cheaper. F*ck fre-Wifi, Panera is for lame ass hipsters who don't know anything. If I ever get the urge to dip hard bread in bagged soup and stare at crazy people, I can go to the Pine Street Inn for free. Effing Panera.

Anyways. So this is the answer to the question of why Europeans can still be thin when they have carbs in their diet. The thing to focus on here, is that THIN does not mean FIT. Europeans may be skinny, but from what I have seen, they smoke a lot of cigarettes which results in less eating. Also, they ride bikes everywhere, so that is also a factor. And, with any country, there are always exceptions to the rule. I am sure there are tons of gigantic people in Europe, just as there are tons of (OK, just me) sexy Americans. So, while my opinion on why Europeans are skinny may not be the most SCIENTIFIC (yes it is,) its definitely something to think about when thinking about cutting grains out of your diet.

I think what we can learn from this is that if we want to stop being fatty round heads, we can either cut down on the grains, or take up smoking on a bike. If you have any further questions, I'll be at the Pine Street Inn.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Ultimate Cheat Day

There were no steak and cheese bowls. I just got a steak and cheese wrap from D'Angelo. I know. I ate a wrap. Thats the first wrap I've eaten in probably over six months. I deserved it though, I was so tired and I watched "The Lovely Bones" all by myself. Don't do that. That movie is twisted. I've been Googling murder all morning. Here is a list of ways to not get murdered this winter...I would recommend printing it out and hanging it up.

Like I said before, the month long Paleo Challenge really didn't mean a whole lot to me because I was already eating Paleo long before it started. But when it ended, I obviously acted like it was the hardest month of my life and stuffed my face with brownies, donuts and steak and cheese wraps. Hell to the yeah.

I realize that I write a lot of posts on here that really focus on the days where I mess up. I promise I have good days too. In fact, I have mostly good days. But if "Lovely Bones" taught me anything, its that if I am going to be molested and slaughtered in some weird underground clubhouse built by the psycho next door neighbor tomorrow, I am going to eat six brownies, a donut stick, a chocolate glazed donut, and a steak and cheese wrap TODAY. Thats an actual list of what I ate.

But thats the glory of the cheat day, people. You can screw up one day, and fix it the next. Today I haven't eaten a thing. I know, I know, breakfast is so effing important blah blah blah. Hey guess what? If you consume 7,000 calories yesterday, breakfast isn't so crucial anymore. I have my chicken and spinach for lunch, and I am almost 100% sure I'll make it to noon without dying, even though I skipped breakfast. I may however, get spotted by a psycho murderer and not make it for five more minutes. Life is full of surprises!

Friday, October 15, 2010

Friday Sucks

You know what. Friday sucks. I only like Frinight. I made that up. It means Friday night. I graduated college summa cum laude.

Yesterday I went to the doctors because I thought I had skin cancer on my face. The doctor looked at the questionable freckle for one second, said it was fine, and then jammed me with a tetanus shot. Then I had to get blood taken. WTF? Naturally I was stressed out by this shocking and unexpected turn of events, so I did what any normal person would do and drank tons of wine at Quan's Kitchen. Hey, at least its Phantom approved.

Needless to say, I look really good right now and feel really great. And I just realized I went to a Chinese restaurant after I just declared my hate for them on Monday. Please never listen to anything I say because while I may be tetanus free, I am clearly a liar and a d-bag.

The Paleo challenge ends tomorrow. That doesn't really mean anything to me though, because my Paleo challenge is never-ending. But for the people at my gym, and anyone else who may have done the challenge from this blog (ha!) its over tomorrow. So go make yourself a Sour Patch Kid casserole little champions! You did it!

Actually, the interesting thing is that a lot of people at the gym are planning on sticking to Paleo even after tomorrow because they love it so much. How could you not love a lifestyle that makes you skinny, sexy and healthy so that you can parade your hot bod all over the planet for way longer? One gym member even figured out how to make Paleo brownies. Here is a recipe for these. Make me some. Thanks, bye!

And by the way...Happy Frinight! I love weekends more than anyone. Especially since I got into CrossFit, because there is NOTHING that makes me happier than doing an awesome workout in the morning, sitting around all day like a useless idiot, and then cooking a gigantic dinner and slamming it down my throat. That is my perfect day. I will be a little bit cheesy and say that I am very lucky to have Nick around cracking horrible jokes and telling 20 minute stories that could be told by a normal person in five seconds, because a day of sitting and cooking would not be as fun without him . This weekend I am going to make steak and cheese bowls. I'll post a picture and recipe on Monday. Whatever you all do this weekend, enjoy yourselves! Get outside and do something active! That way when you end up at Quan's totally shizz-hammered a few hours later, you won't feel like a TOTAL loser. Only a little loser. See ya Monday!

Wednesday, October 13, 2010


You may have seen this article already, but in case anyone hasn't, HERE is where chicken nuggets come from. Now, I haven't eaten fast food in a very long time, and I am thankful for that after reading this article. However, I thought about it, and this will not stop me from eating delightful little golden fried chicken nugs in the future. That weird pink tube is delicious, and I will easily forget I ever saw this picture when the day comes for me to have a major cheat and hit up McDonalds. I'm disgusting, get the hell over it.

I'll have a #10 with a diet coke and a double cheeseburger to go!

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Lesson Learned...

This weekend I ate Chinese food for the last time. OK, maybe not. But definitely for the last time in a LONG time.

It seemed like the best idea ever. Avoid fried things and noodles and just get some beef and broccoli, with a nice side of spare ribs, some wings, and some garlic chicken. High calorie, yes, but it was Saturday and reading the menu gave me the sweats from excitement. Nobody was going to try to stop me or they were going to get head butted. And with a head the size of mine, thats pretty much guaranteed death. I was absolutely going to take down a bucket of pig fat while watching Cops, and if someone had to die in the process, they clearly deserved it.

So, fast forward to an hour later, and slowest driver on Earth Nick finally brings me my food. I eat it all, and things are good for about five minutes until I fall asleep. Now, I know I am always falling asleep all over town, but this was different. It was barely 8pm, and it HURT to keep my eyes open. I went up to bed, but I didn't really get to sleep because I spent the whole night in the bathroom ready to puke. Worst part: I NEVER PUKED. Just sat there so incredibly nauseaus preparing for a battle that the enemy never showed up for. Second worst part: I had to keep running down the dark hallway past the scary empty bedroom where I am pretty sure that vampire girl from that new movie and Candyman live together waiting to chase me and murder me. Chinese food sucks.

You are probably not surprised by this at all. Obviously I am not the first person to feel like they are going to turn into the Exorcist and puke all over the ceiling after eating Chinese food. But, maybe you don't know who you are dealing with. My stomach is the business. Absolute steel trap. I can eat two chili dogs and a fried dough and ride The Zipper 45 times with a smile on my face. I could probably drink a gallon of chunky milk and then dominate a handstand contest. Unless I have the flu, I don't have an upset stomach. How do you think I got so fat in the first place? By getting the runs from eating five Doritos? Hell no. I could eat the whole bag sprinkled on top of a cheeseburger and cannoli pizza at 6am. I'm awesome. You should know that by now.

I think what happened here is simply poor quality. Since I started eating Paleo, I have cooked everything I eat in either butter (from grass-fed cows) or bacon grease (from nitrate free bacon.) Occasionally I will use a cooking spray, but I try not to because when you heat them up they turn into trans fat. I dont know what Chinese food restaurants cook with, but I am 98% sure its sweat they collect off eachother on the ride into work. 20 people in a van, its gonna get a little steamy. That, combined with MSG and good old mystery meat, was enough to upset even my stomach. I can only imagine what it would do to a normal person. You'd probably be in diapers for a month.

What I am trying to get at is that you can be Paleo all you want, but the quality of the food you eat is really important. There is a major difference between eating free range chicken breast versus a McDonalds hamburger patty. Clearly, there are going to be times where you want to eat crappy food, but even if you avoid grains and stay Paleo, there might be consequences if you eat low quality meat marinated in rhino pee. I know that nobody is perfect, and steak on a stick is delicious, and fortune cookies are fun as hell. But save yourself the trouble, and I'll just tell you your fortune right now. If you eat anything that comes out of a weird white box, you will spend your night hugging the toilet and wishing for death. I will leave you with that.....

Friday, October 8, 2010

Its the Freakin Weekend!

This title is reminding me of how much I love R. Kelly (as a singer and role model) and how much I want to blast Remix to Ignition the whole way home and sing it so loud. Party Ride!

Whats everyone doing this weekend? I have a lot of challenges to overcome in the food department. Work party tonight (wine), Chinese food tomorrow (deep fried mystery animals), and a wedding on Sunday (stuff on toothpicks). This should be interesting. Stay tuned....

Enjoy your long weekend everybody!

Thursday, October 7, 2010

I'm Soooo Stressed....

I say I am stressed out at least ten times a day. I could be laying in bed with nowhere to go and absolutely not one thing to do, and the words “I am so stressed” will come flying out of my mouth for no reason. That's obnoxious. I am surprised someone hasn't punched me in the neck by now. Seriously. Homeless people should be stressed out. Scott Peterson should be stressed out. Haley should not be stressed out. I mean, I don't have a lot of money to throw around at the strip club, but internet porn is free and I don't really like to leave the house anyways. And its not like I am so poor that I am living like a medieval wench and blogging by candle light while lice crawl all over my body. I can pay my electric bill most of the time. And I got rid of the lice last week.

When I call up my mother to complain about my stress, she always says “ I thought all this exercise would be making you less of a raging bitch.” Melansons don't hold back.. And then I say “ I know Ma, I don't know why I am still a stressed out mental case. By the way, I'm coming home on Saturday, so please give me $60 or I'll flip the f*ck out.” And then I hang up and start driving 100 miles per hour weaving in and out of traffic like a black dude in a 1995 Lexus. Talking on the phone stresses me out.

Eventually, after enough of these really uplifting and beautiful conversations with the woman who birthed my gigantic head, I came to the realization that maybe she was right. I read everywhere that exercise is supposed to release endorphins and make you feel great all day. So why do I still feel stressed?

Personally, I hate all this talk about how exercise releases endorphins, because I found a list of things that cause your brain to release them and one of them was “riding a dolphin.” HUH? A) I hate dolphins more than anything (skins too tight, they look like they might explode) and B) WHO RIDES DOLPHINS? Like, when I am in a bad mood I watch Family Guy and tell people what I hate about them. I think hitching a ride on a marine mammal is a little extreme. I'll get my endorphins from watching hilarious television and basking in the misery of others. I'm all set with Flipper and his rubbery, clicking, gyrating friends. Weird.

Don't get me wrong, I know that endorphins are real, I'm not an idiot. I HAVE noticed that during, and immediately following a workout, I feel GREAT. I am smiling like a freak, laughing at horrible jokes, talking to everyone about nothing, high-fiving people I don't even know...its like I am on drugs. But this feeling only lasts about twenty or so minutes, and then I am in my car worrying about all the things I have to do when I get home and working myself into a tizzy over how much I hate Sammi Sweetheart. Seriously, Snooks and J-Woww were just trying to help you with that note...Ronnie is a midget from hell. Great now I am all worked up. Get me a dolphin.

I am writing this post because I am curious to see how other people feel. I love exercise. I love the way it makes my body look and feel. I love that I look good in clothes. I love that I feel like I am being productive on the days I go to the gym. But as far as stress goes, I don't really know how effective exercise is for me. Don't get me wrong, I can channel my anger into a workout better than anybody. I actually think this is a really useful tool. But if something is bothering me before I go to the gym, its going to be bothering me again about a half hour after I am done working out, even if I use that particular issue as my motivation. So let me know! What do you think? Does working out relieve your stress for the whole day? Or are you like me and you just have the relief for a short period after, and then you start to think about the Jersey Shore and want to put your fist through your windshield? OK, maybe I'm being dramatic. But I really want to know. How long are you feeling “stress free” after your workout is over? OH GEEZE, I hope someone answers me.

PS: I don't know why that picture says “Pic Unrelated” on it. I don't really care either.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Pour Some Sugar On Me......No Wait...Don't.

Today I want to talk about sugar. Before I went on the Paleo Diet, I never gave a mother eff about sugar. I would rather have downed an entire pizza over an ice cream sundae any day. Or everyday (which I did.) Cookies, cake, candy...meh. I could take it or leave it. Most of the time I would take it just because it was there, and look where that got me. A one way ticket to Fat Girl Who Thinks Shes Super Hot-ville. But the point is, I never had a craving for a sleeve of Oreo's before I became a Paleo girl. And even though its not every day, I would be lying if I said I didn't have my moments where all I want to do is eat Pop Tarts covered in Hershey's syrup while watching Willy Wonka. I may be BETTER when it comes to eating, but if you think I am PERFECT you have very low standards.

At this point you are probably like WTF? Why is this crazy bitch advocating eating Paleo when all she really wants to do is challenge people to munchkin eating contests? Why is she telling people to try out a lifestyle that is going to have them parked in front of 7/11 with all the scratch ticket addicts sucking down pixie sticks like Hiroshima is tomorrow? Well, the answer to this is simple my little sugar plum fairy.....YOU CAN OVERCOME THE CRAVINGS.

When I wasn't eating Paleo, I had nothing to stop me from eating anything I wanted. My diet consisted of whatever struck my fancy, which was usually all disgusting processed crap. I was a big fan of front-loading my calories. I would eat enough for 14 truck drivers before noon, and then say I was going to make up for it with a healthy dinner. And then when dinner time came around, I would eat a box of Hamburger Helper in five minutes and tell myself that tomorrow was a new day. This went on for years. And over the course of these years of getting fatter and grosser, I gave into every craving I ever had. If I wanted a Starburst, my giant face was plastered up against that vending machine in less than two minutes. If someone brought in a cake to work, I was standing first in line like effing Orphan Annie waiting for her porridge. I mean what is a worse/more embarrassing/more hilarious image than a big fat girl holding a tiny plate, looking weird and waiting in line for someone she barely knows to cut her a piece of their birthday cake? Seriously, get that visual going in your head....its a f*cking nightmare!

OK, where am I going with this? Well. When I had no guidelines, I had no clear list of foods I should avoid. I was calorie counting and those calories came from whatever I wanted. So I would start out the morning eating bad, and then vow to eat healthy the rest of the day. The problem with this was that the sugary, processed, carbohydrate packed foods I was choosing were spiking my insulin and making me hungry for more of the same junk for the whole rest of the day. Its impossible to eat a strawberry frosted donut for breakfast and stick to a healthy diet for the remainder of the day. You will either A) say “This sucks, I already blew it, I am going to stuff my big giant face with everything in sight.” or B) ward off those cravings for more carbs and sugar by eating smaller portions of MORE carbs and sugar which your body will store right on your ass as cellulite. SEXY!

So how do you break the cycle? Its simple. No sugar for three weeks. You have to forget what chocolate tastes like. You have to pretend that ice cream makes you want to projectile vomit. This means no fricken cereal bars too. I know I have said this a million times, but just because a NutriGrain bar is low calorie does not mean its good for you. Its filled with jelly. Skip your three bites of weird processed grains and disgusting mystery fruit jam and cook yourself an egg. Three weeks of this and I PROMISE your cravings will subside. If they don't, you can try to beat me up, but we all know that would be a waste of your time and I might break a nail.

Now. Please remember I NEVER SAID that you would never get another craving for sugar. For me, there are three days out of every month where the only food that appeals to me is a Ruffles and Brownie sandwich. All I can say about this is, pick your battles. If your mouth is watering, you should probably eat some M&M's. If you are just thinking you MIGHT want some chocolate, but you don't have that overwhelming crazy hyena sugar craving....don't eat it. Just try and see how long you can go without sugar, and watch how your cravings for junk get further and further apart. Then, the next time Reggie from accounting's birthday comes around, you can leave the fat Orphan Annie job to someone else.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Happy Friday!

The weekends here! I have a new post I am working on, but everytime I get a good thought going my stupid job gets in the way. Any professional athletes that are looking for a wife who is hilarious, sexy as hell, and willing to look the other way when 55 midget strippers march single file into the Boom Boom Room in the basement, please call me. I need a Sugar Daddy so Health Gone Wild can get the attention it deserves. And we can pop bottles of Cristal all night long after I am done blogging and you are back from court with your baby mama....It will be a fairytale. post soon I promise. For now, I leave you with Paleo Dog.