Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Pour Some Sugar On Me......No Wait...Don't.

Today I want to talk about sugar. Before I went on the Paleo Diet, I never gave a mother eff about sugar. I would rather have downed an entire pizza over an ice cream sundae any day. Or everyday (which I did.) Cookies, cake, candy...meh. I could take it or leave it. Most of the time I would take it just because it was there, and look where that got me. A one way ticket to Fat Girl Who Thinks Shes Super Hot-ville. But the point is, I never had a craving for a sleeve of Oreo's before I became a Paleo girl. And even though its not every day, I would be lying if I said I didn't have my moments where all I want to do is eat Pop Tarts covered in Hershey's syrup while watching Willy Wonka. I may be BETTER when it comes to eating, but if you think I am PERFECT you have very low standards.

At this point you are probably like WTF? Why is this crazy bitch advocating eating Paleo when all she really wants to do is challenge people to munchkin eating contests? Why is she telling people to try out a lifestyle that is going to have them parked in front of 7/11 with all the scratch ticket addicts sucking down pixie sticks like Hiroshima is tomorrow? Well, the answer to this is simple my little sugar plum fairy.....YOU CAN OVERCOME THE CRAVINGS.

When I wasn't eating Paleo, I had nothing to stop me from eating anything I wanted. My diet consisted of whatever struck my fancy, which was usually all disgusting processed crap. I was a big fan of front-loading my calories. I would eat enough for 14 truck drivers before noon, and then say I was going to make up for it with a healthy dinner. And then when dinner time came around, I would eat a box of Hamburger Helper in five minutes and tell myself that tomorrow was a new day. This went on for years. And over the course of these years of getting fatter and grosser, I gave into every craving I ever had. If I wanted a Starburst, my giant face was plastered up against that vending machine in less than two minutes. If someone brought in a cake to work, I was standing first in line like effing Orphan Annie waiting for her porridge. I mean what is a worse/more embarrassing/more hilarious image than a big fat girl holding a tiny plate, looking weird and waiting in line for someone she barely knows to cut her a piece of their birthday cake? Seriously, get that visual going in your head....its a f*cking nightmare!

OK, where am I going with this? Well. When I had no guidelines, I had no clear list of foods I should avoid. I was calorie counting and those calories came from whatever I wanted. So I would start out the morning eating bad, and then vow to eat healthy the rest of the day. The problem with this was that the sugary, processed, carbohydrate packed foods I was choosing were spiking my insulin and making me hungry for more of the same junk for the whole rest of the day. Its impossible to eat a strawberry frosted donut for breakfast and stick to a healthy diet for the remainder of the day. You will either A) say “This sucks, I already blew it, I am going to stuff my big giant face with everything in sight.” or B) ward off those cravings for more carbs and sugar by eating smaller portions of MORE carbs and sugar which your body will store right on your ass as cellulite. SEXY!

So how do you break the cycle? Its simple. No sugar for three weeks. You have to forget what chocolate tastes like. You have to pretend that ice cream makes you want to projectile vomit. This means no fricken cereal bars too. I know I have said this a million times, but just because a NutriGrain bar is low calorie does not mean its good for you. Its filled with jelly. Skip your three bites of weird processed grains and disgusting mystery fruit jam and cook yourself an egg. Three weeks of this and I PROMISE your cravings will subside. If they don't, you can try to beat me up, but we all know that would be a waste of your time and I might break a nail.

Now. Please remember I NEVER SAID that you would never get another craving for sugar. For me, there are three days out of every month where the only food that appeals to me is a Ruffles and Brownie sandwich. All I can say about this is, pick your battles. If your mouth is watering, you should probably eat some M&M's. If you are just thinking you MIGHT want some chocolate, but you don't have that overwhelming crazy hyena sugar craving....don't eat it. Just try and see how long you can go without sugar, and watch how your cravings for junk get further and further apart. Then, the next time Reggie from accounting's birthday comes around, you can leave the fat Orphan Annie job to someone else.

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