Monday, August 1, 2016


Why am I so awful? I honestly need to know the answer to this question. In regular life, I think I am OK, but this relates specifically to pregnancy. I think there are two kinds of people; the good Pregnants and the bad Pregnants. I am the ring leader of the bads. The interesting thing about it is that your non-pregnant life is ZERO indication of how your pregnant life will be. Anyone can go from a top notch Normal to a total loser Pregnant. You just don’t know, and this is something that nobody warns you about, so I will because it’s fucking necessary.

First of all, in my regular life, I like to exercise. There was even a time where I obsessively exercised which I want to puke when I think about. In general, for me, 3-4 days a week of working out in a CrossFit class is what I enjoy, and as I age I have realized I like it to be non-competitive and non-injury provoking. Great. A lot of women don’t exercise at all, so I should be ahead of those idiots when it comes to pregnant exercise. I should be ready to continue with my workouts (which have changed to at home or at the track since I acquired a sidekick) and I will be the envy of the internet. Um, wrong. I am the envy of nobody. I was so nauseated for the first 21….count…..21….weeks of this pregnancy that I went directly to bed every night after work. Then, anytime I felt normal and thought I could try working out, the exercising would throw me back into 3-4 days of nausea. And now? I honestly think this baby is so big that it might be the reincarnation of Harambe and I run out of breath talking to people at work, let alone hitting the gym for a quick workout. Why? Because I am a bad pregnant and it is uncontrollable, which leads me into my second topic, my awful body.

I know a lot of women who never work out and look so good. I don’t know what they do, maybe they starve, maybe it’s genetics, but I see these people and they are so skinny and beautiful and I admire it. I have never been one of these women, pregnant or not. I am never going to be petite, and all you freaks need to know that every day that I walk around looking normal is a day that I am monitoring EVERYTHING I consume. With that being said, I am NOT a pregnant eater. Between the nausea, the heartburn, and this time around, the heat, I just can’t really do more than one meal a day. I don’t gain much weight either, right around 25lbs both times. The problem shows up AFTER the pregnancy. WHAT is this lump of fat I can’t get rid of under my belly button? Why do I now have cellulite on my butt that I didn’t have before? Why am I holding onto ten pounds when I am doing everything right to lose it? MEANWHILE……all the Thumbelinas who put in no work from what I can see, are 2 weeks out of pregnancy wearing bikinis. How did you do that? If I wore a bikini 2 weeks post baby someone would call the cops. How are you not still wearing a giant pad? I am just going to say this, if you are starving yourself, just say it so that people like me can understand where they are going wrong. You can private message me, you don’t need to make it your status if you don’t want to. Please make it your status.

Next up, delivery. WTF. I had a few contractions yesterday and started to cry as the thought of labor came back to me. When I had Caroline I was READY ( LOL.) I had been exercising and walking and, in my mind, I was going to be the queen. Make no mistake, I wanted all the drugs, but I was planning on getting them at a time that impressed everyone that I had been able to hold out so long. This is not what happened. I was storming the hallways flopping on the tables at 3cm demanding the epidural and saying I was close to death. The thing is, I wasn’t being dramatic, the pain was THAT BAD. Now granted, my kid was almost ten pounds, her head was enormous, and for a first labor everything was pretty rapid (11 hours), but once again, even the Grand Finale of the pregnancy, which I had envisioned being lit af, SUCKED. I sucked at birth. Pushing her out was the worst hour of my life and all my exercise didn’t even seem to factor in because I was sore all over my whole body for 2 weeks. But then you have Gladys from next door who goes in for her 38 week appointment and they tell her she’s 7 cm dilated and she didn’t even know because she was too busy not working out and looking beautiful. I will never understand this.

 My point in all this is that I am a firm believer that you cannot control anything that happens to you during your pregnancy WITHIN REASON. Obviously, eating a million calories a day and blowing up is controllable, but for most normal people with normal habits, a lot of shit is going to happen that you just cannot believe. To all you good Pregnants out there, I honestly don’t know how you do it. I try so hard to glow and I just end up putting on too much bronzer and looking like one of those Russian dolls that come out of the bigger doll until you get the tiny one. And I am the biggest one.