Tuesday, December 28, 2010

A Lesson in Gluttony....

One of the good things about life is that its always teaching you lessons. This year, I learned that its impossible to eat correctly in the month of December. It really is. Christmas parties started for me as early as mid-month. I have had almost three weeks of eating my way through the end of 2010. And in all honesty, its been an effing wonderful time.

Another lesson I learned this year is that even though I am always going to be a big, fat face, gigantic foodie on the inside, exercise has kept me from becoming one on the outside. As the Reese Christmas Trees slowly took over as my main food source, I never skipped a workout because there was a chance I might have an accident mid box jump. Its easy to spend a day eating cookies and then skip the gym because your belly hurts. I never do that. I am ALWAYS in that gym no matter how sick I feel from funneling brownie batter in a g-string at bachelor parties to pay my rent (I do bars and house parties.) I learned my lesson that December is a hard month to eat healthy, and exercise saved me from exploding out of my pants (at least at the wrong moments.) Every little bit counts, so get your fat ass to the gym!

Today is December 29,2010. In three days it will be 2011. So, while I do not suggest setting your goals for the new year so high that you are destined to fail, this is a good time to think about what you want in this upcoming year. Do you want a puppy? Do you want to stop spending obscene amounts of money on headbands and stylish boots? Do you want a record deal? Do you want to wear a sports bra only to the gym this summer and be able to run around without people crying because you hit them in the eye with your jiggle belly? Are you me? These are my goals and I think they all are very reasonable and definitely going to come true. I am using the amount of disgusting food I consumed all month as a motivator to reach them. And when I am the world's skinniest pop sensation smoochin on my puppy and performing at the Superbowl, I promise not to forget the little people. I might forget the little people.

I am going to post again on New Year's Eve. A real tear jerking reflection of 2010 and why I think it has been the best year of my life with the exception of the year I got contacts. Trust me, pre 1997 Haley was not a good scene. But before New Year's Eve, I want everyone to think about achievable goals for 2011 and get in the mindset to make them happen. Think about the lessons that life taught you in 2010 , and figure out how you want to use what you learned in the upcoming year. I mean, I probably will buy so many headbands and boots next year that I am stealing money from AIDS fundraisers and shizz, but other than that I think I have my 2011 pretty much set in stone. And I can't effing wait.

Until then I am going to enjoy my last three days of the decade doing what I do best; eating, talking, and watching TV under a blanket. If you want to end your year the right way, I would suggest you follow my lead. See ya New Year's Eve!

Here I am looking so good on Christmas Eve.


Friday, December 24, 2010


Christmas Eve! I like this effing day. Mainly because I get to bake all day and look like a homeless prostitute in my pajamas. However, I will be going to the gym this afternoon unlike a lot of you fatty round heads. I know, I know, you are just soooo busy decking the halls and stuffing your face with cookies and pies that you don't have a spare moment to wipe your ass, let alone workout. I don't believe you. Everyone has a half hour today where they can get in some sort of body movement. Go for a walk and admire how shiteous most people's Christmas lights are. Or take a nice jog over to my house and admire my Christmas Chair. Yeah, no tree. Too poor. Oh, well.

I truly mean it when I say that I hope that all my loyal readers have a great Christmas. I plan on eating, drinking, and talking so loud that everyone wants to kill me for the next two days, so I am pretty pumped. Even though Christmas is stressful, it is a nice day to be with your family and get some laughs at the expense of others. So drive carefully, eat like a maniac, and if the dysfunction becomes just too much to handle, call me and we will go get some Scorpion Bowls on you.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

I'm Baaaack

Alright. I am embarrassed. I haven't blogged since I don't even know when. I was suffering from writer's block. I would write and write and everything sucked so bad I wanted to die. I have about 5 half posts that I just gave up on. I think its Christmas that is causing all my problems. It just sucks all the motivation out of me. That's why I love Thanksgiving so much. There is no pressure to be in the gay ass Thanksgiving “spirit.” The Christmas spirit makes me want to do absolutely nothing except drive Paul (my car) around on dead empty because I am too lazy to get gas and eat. I am pretty sure that's the life of a big, fat 50 year old woman in an unhappy marriage. Merry Christmas!

Maybe I am exaggerating a little, but this whole writer's block thing is pissing me off worse than that time I predicted that that whale was going to kill the Sea World trainer and NOBODY believed me. Seriously, I called that. I hate marine mammals. Just wait until a dolphin kills someone and everyone says “ Haley, you never said that would happen.” I will solve that problem right now. COPYRIGHT 2010. I said it first. I'm psychic.

Well this is becoming quite the rant about nothing, so I am going to say a few words about healthy eating during Christmas. It can't happen. I mean, you can most certainly put in an effort, but its a battle that most of us will lose. I made a little rule for myself, that unless someone else makes me the food I can't eat it. So far its been working. But that's mainly because nobody makes me anything, except for myself. I made sugar cookies and ate 18 of them last Thursday night. I considered it giving to the poor.

Here is the bottom line. Try to keep your big fat face out of the baked goods until Christmas Eve. Then when the holiday comes, have yourself a merry little binge. Just don't throw up in the street after you eat like I did on Thanksgiving. IS ANYONE WORRIED ABOUT ME?

My other advice. Don't make it your “big plan” to get back on track after New Years. If you don't get so far off track in the first place,you won't have to go all “New Year, New You” and make everyone want to kick you in the balls. Just make a nice New Years resolution to treat your body right, and see what happens. Being healthy should relieve your stress, not add to it.

I will be posting on Christmas Eve, so I won't say Happy Holidays just yet. But I will wish you best of luck with your last minute shopping, wrapping, swearing, and getting further into debt. Christmas is so effing expensive, maybe the Jehovah's have it right. Look for me on your doorstep flailing pamphlets and smiling sometime soon!

Friday, December 10, 2010

Happy Friday/Birthday to Noelle and Jim

Its Friday again. I don't even care though because I am sick as f*ck. Seriously. I feel like dick on wheels. Throat on fire, head pounding, breathing like Voldemort...the list goes on. I don't know if this is a result of my four day Thanksgiving carb/sugar binge, or just me being human and catching a cold. Either way this is bullshit and I am pissed.

To all you a-holes out there who don't feel like its the morning after a date with Ben Roethlisberger, happy Friday. I will be on my couch the whole weekend except Saturday when I celebrate the birth of not one but TWO of the people whose DNA is a 99% match to my own. Big shout outs to my sister Noelle, who turns 23 TODAY. Also holla at my boy Jimbo Slice who turns the big 1-6 on December 14th. They have been nice enough children to have a joint birthday party since Jim was born which sucks really bad for Noelle. If some freckly idiot came along and got all up in my birthday, I would be more pissed every single year than I was that one year I got wireless internet for my birthday. That really happened. And my mom referred to it as the “Piece de Resistance” or however the f*ck you spell that. Then she handed me a D-Link motem all wrapped up. This is my life.

Have fun getting your party on. I will be spending the weekend trying not to die, and hoping that Noelle and Jim get a copy of the electric bill with “you're welcome” written on it for their birthdays. Those two are so ridiculous by the way. Noelle asks for moon boots every year and Jim probably wants Osama Bin Laden's autograph on a piece of Ted Williams' dick. Seriously, the kid loves autographs. Too bad I got him socks. Anyways, enjoy the weekend! See ya Monday!

Monday, December 6, 2010

Lean Cuisine Sucks

Today I want to talk about Lean Cuisines and how bad they suck. First of all. Every single person that you see eating a Lean Cuisine is either fat or anorexic. When you eat a Lean Cuisine, one of two things happens. A)You eat that tiny, strange, microwavable meal and you're still starving, so you march your fat ass down to the vending machine for a Snickers and some of those vanilla cream cookies that taste like what I imagine a make out session with Tom Brady would taste like. Or B) you eat the Lean Cuisine, pretend it tastes so good, and then starve for 24 hours until you get to eat another one because you are anorexic. In both of these situations, the person needs help. And that is why there are people like me in this world to tell you all how to do everything correctly.

First off, there is no way to fit Lean Cuisines, Smart Ones, or any of those frozen meals into a healthy diet. There are too many empty calories in there to keep anyone full or happy. Noodles, rice, weird tiny pizza with CUBES of pepperoni on it? Shizz is nasty. 3 bites of frozen bread covered in processed shredded cheese, topped with ten tiny meat squares carved from a pigs ass is not a good lunch in my world. Its the most basic rule of nutrition, people. Carbohydrates don't keep you full. Especially when its only 250 calories of frozen noodles containing upwards of 300mg of sodium. So not only can you FEEL tired and hungry, you can also LOOK like ET, with a big bloated belly walking around staring at everyone wondering why no boys like you. Oh please, sign me up for the pig ass cubes, this sounds too good to be true.

I know I have said this a thousand times, but you NEED to eat fresh food. Fresh meat and vegetables. A few almonds. Hellooooo, sexy. If you want to be a royal pain in my muscular ass and tell me that this isn't true, go hang out in the frozen food section and look at the freaks who are buying these meals. Its like the most terrifying combination of Hoarders and Intervention up in there. Instead of trying to get skinny by eating frozen, salty, airplane food for $3.99 a box, why not try to get healthy by eating right and let the weight loss happen naturally? The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. So maybe its time to change your perspective. GET YA MIND RIGHT, KID.

Here is an article about why Lean Cuisines suck so bad. I hope this will stop people from going out and wasting their money on food that sucks and makes them bloated and pimply and farty and jelly bellied. But as I have said before, the more you insist on eating things like Lean Cuisines, the better I am going to look standing next to you while you are ripping toxic farts with your big fat gut hanging out all over the place. So the choice is yours!!!

Friday, December 3, 2010

Happy Flingin'-Flangin' Friday!

Well, I don't have anything to say except Happy Friday! The weekend is here and that means its time for everyone to do whatever they want. I hate when people talk about how they feel so bad that they don't mulch their stupid yard or paint weird antiques or do other dumb ass shizz on the weekend because they were just “too tired.” A) That's a boring topic and B) I only like to talk about myself so pipe down.

In my opinion, the weekend is for doing what you want. If you get the urge to shackle the roof of the shed, do it. Likewise, if you get the urge to watch Taxicab Confessions with no pants on and drink Mimosas, do THAT. I wonder if shackling a shed is a real thing. I already KNOW that watching Taxicab Confessions in your underwear is a real thing.

In totally unrelated news, Christmas candy is out. And Christmas Tree Cakes. I know that I push Paleo on everybody all the time and everything, but we all know that I need a good cheat day as bad as Miley Cyrus needs a retainer and sterilization. For this reason, I am letting you in on a little recipe I came up with a few years ago that just makes me want to punch Santa right in the balls with holiday delight. Christmas Tree Cakes in the freezer. You can thank me later with money and compliments on my physical appearance.

OK. I am going to enjoy my weekend, as I always do. Have fun, be safe...freeze up some CTC's and get ready to have your effing mind blown out the back of your head. See you Monday!!!

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Hilary Swank Enrages Me and the Rest of America

Hilary Swank struggled to gain weight for her role in new movie Conviction and forced herself to eat food even when she was full in order to bulk up.

The Million Dollar Baby star plays an unemployed single mother who earns a law degree so she can represent her brother in court in the film. Swank was required to put on 15 pounds for her part - but she found it hard work eating enough food to build up her svelte frame, and even gave up her regular workouts.

She tells New York Post newspaper columnist Cindy Adams, "I personally have difficulty keeping weight on, and for this role I had to add 15 pounds. My character, a single mom, hadn't any opportunity to stay fit. For my own needs, I like working out. But to gain weight I stopped that. Besides, this was an independent film. Small budget. We filmed long hours, long days. No time to work out."

"Normally I only eat until I'm full. On this shoot, I kept eating more. Even when I was full, I'd eat more. With nowhere to go, the weight stays on you."

Shut up. This is not something that you say when you want people to like you. “ Oh, look at me I can't get fat, everybody feel bad for me.” No. Hell no. The only reason I didn't personally write her some hate mail about this is because I don't know if she can read because I think one of her parents is a horse. Let me tell you something Hilary “ I literally looked like a dude in that movie about wanting to be a boy” Swank. It is VERY easy to look like a chubby,single mom. I rocked that look for YEARS without even having a kid that I can remember! And the weird thing is, I didn't get offered even one movie role. What the eff, Hil? You really think complaining about being too skinny is going to make you a fan favorite? I bet it will make you about as popular as those chapped lips you had at the end of Million Dollar Baby. Gross.

Alright. So aside from picking movie roles that make her look terrifying, Hilary Swank does not know how to appeal to the fatties who make up 3 quarters of America's population. But like I said, because she is not pretty, she can Butterface her way all over the planet broadcasting how thin she is and I could give a sheep's dick. I could gain 15 pounds for a movie role during the audition if I had to. All I would need is an XL order of Gold Fever Wings and someone to challenge me to a Case Race and I would have that leading role so fast the director would burst into tears and piss himself.

Bottom line: Gaining weight is not a crime, but for those of us who pack on pounds easily, its NOT COOL when people talk about the burdens of being naturally thin BECAUSE THERE ARE NONE. I have no effing clue what makes someone naturally thin but my most developed theory is that its a combination of starvation, lies, and deceptively pretending to eat a lot but really only taking 2 bites. Yea, because that sounds like a fun life. PASS. Hilary Swank, you aren't fooling anybody. I don't care how many Oscars you have, and how much money you make. I have a sick blog. Beat that!