Monday, December 14, 2015

No New Friends

I am writing this from my phone. I'm already feeling like the quality of my writing will be negatively impacted. Do you ever notice that when you email from a computer you proofread, check grammar, edit the margins, include a glamour shot, etc?  I mean, most of you are idiots so you definitely still make mistakes, but at least you try to make your email look like you weren't in Level 2 English, I hope.

Emailing from a phone? Forget it. It's like getting a message from Charlie Sheen. I send the most ridiculous shit to people from this thing and don't think twice about it. Is that awful? Don't tell me to put a " please excuse mistakes, I'm on my phone" message at the bottom, I'm only 30. If I do that, I'll have to put a signature on my texts and then I might as well just check into assisted living. WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT? It's the fucking phone mentality. I'm not even sorry. 

Recently I posted a status about those dumb articles Moms write about shit nobody cares about. Sometimes they are literally about shit nobody cares about. I would like to address this whole " Mommy Culture" thing by dismissing it. Does that make sense? IT IS NOT A REAL THING. If you think it's a real thing, you need some guidance. Lucky you, here I am typing crazy on my phone. Think of it like this.....

People have been having children and raising them since, I honestly don't know when because I have no idea how old the Earth is. It's been a really fucking long time. Despite this 100% scientific fact that people have been around for an amount of time that is long AF, everyone these days seems to think they are the first person to ever have a kid. Not only that, they also think they can mess the kid up with one mistake while the whole world watches and laughs their asses off. This is just simply not true. 

Kids are great. Babies are greater. I like the pictures, I like hearing that a pregnant person had her baby, I like it all. Beyond the funny stories and cute pictures, I don't give a shit. I am not judging and I do not care.Give your baby a bottle of Mountain Dew if you want. I will whisper " What the fuck?" and go on with my day. Breastfeed your kid until he drives, I will have the same reaction. Moms need to stop pretending that everyone is watching, because literally nobody is watching unless you are being stalked which is awesome and you must have done a great job losing the baby weight for someone to obsess over you. Congrats.

Other thing. If we were never friends in life, I DO NOT WANT TO BE FRIENDS BECAUSE WE HAVE CHILDREN. I get it, parents have different lives than non- parents, but why do you need to have friends with exactly the same life as you? I have been the childless person who goes to their friend's house to watch Frozen 100 times just to spend time with them. I've also had a friend understandingly cut a dinner short when Caroline went apeshit for no reason. There is definitely some give and take for both parties involved, but we are all adults here. I want friends that I already know I like. Why the hell do moms think they need mom friends from the internet?  I will never befriend anyone just because they also have a 1 year old. Then drag Nick to hang out with the is wrong with people? Hard pass on that.

I feel like this was an extra angry rant. I think it's because I care less since I'm typing on a phone. I've had a lot of text message battles in my day, so maybe I'm carrying over that vibe. I like this vibe I feel a little bit Janice Dickinson. Worry about your own kids and do what works for you. You are doing the best you can. Nobody is judging except maybe your mom friends from the Internet. Ditch them, trust me they are used to it. 

* Please excuse mistakes, I'm on my phone.*