Tuesday, November 23, 2010


Thanksgiving is the best holiday ever. I love it because its a day where I do absolutely nothing. Anyone who expects me to ever do anything on Thanksgiving is a dickhead. I will never host this holiday at my house, even when I am 45 and its the “right” thing to do to have your family over. Hell no. Come over for Christmas and I'll stick a candy cane up your butt or something....whatever you're into. Thanksgiving is my day to eat food other people cook, drink bottles of wine that other people buy, and lay around saying whatever the hell I want. And by the way, I'll be needing a ride.

You know whats sad? I have ranked this holiday as #1 on the list since I still believed in Santa. Even as young child, I preferred a holiday centered around eating over a holiday centered around tons of presents. Sometimes I get overwhelmed thinking about how awesome I am. Even as a kid, I knew that buying gifts sucks. I hated it when my Dad would bring us to Dollar Tree, give us each a 5 dollar bill and have us buy presents for the whole family. Buying presents is stressful, and Dollar Tree smells like someone is farting curry through the vents. No thank you. Don't get me wrong, I loved my Santa presents. But do new roller blades and Sonic the Hedgehog 2 beat a gigantic plate of turkey and no required trip to D-Bag Tree? F*ck no.

So here's the deal homeys. Thanksgiving = no rules. And I mean NO rules. Midnight to midnight you get your eat/drank on as much as you fricken want. I am going to make M&M pancakes for breakfast and probably get a donut stick to eat while my ass is being chauffeured to my aunts for dinner. I chose a donut stick because I think it will be the best compliment for my thermos full of Chardonnay. OK SERIOUSLY, THANKSGIVING IS THE BEST DAY EVER.

The way I see it, if you eat healthy all the time and exercise regularly, you deserve a cheat day ESPECIALLY on Thanksgiving. So you are lucky that you have me to teach you how to maximize your turkey day fun. Its simple really. Just eat very little for the next couple days to minimize the hit on your physique, and then when the big day comes just go effing wild. Just remember, once it hits 12 midnight the fun is over and you have to go back to normal eating. The LAST thing you want to be is fat for Christmas, but that's a post for next month!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!!!!! And when you are 2 bottles of wine deep housing pumpkin pie with a fork right out of the pie pan...you can feel good knowing that your very favorite blogger is doing the EXACT same thing. SEE YA MONDAY!!!

I included this picture of me just because I think its awesome. Thats a giant pipe filled with water, so its a balancing act and nightmare city. It has nothing to do with Thanksgiving other than maybe it can be an example of something you could do on Friday to burn some of those stuffing and cranberry calories off your ass. EVERYBODY DO THIS ON FRIDAY!!!

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Celebrities Lie...SURPRISE!

If I told you that I would rather be healthy than skinny I would be lying. Luckily, having a smoking hot bod is a side effect of my lifestyle ( I can say that because I used to be fat.) But, if you hooked me up to a lie detector test and told me I could either be slim and out of shape or healthy and built like a brick shithouse, I think we all know what my answer would be.

Thankfully, I have come up with a way to be both skinny AND healthy, but I know a group of people who have yet to figure this out. Celebrities. Look at those effing people. Take Nicole Kidman for example. How tall is she 11'4? Bitch can't weigh more than 110 lbs and that's while shes holding Keith Urban in her skeletor arms like a tiny Australian koala baby. But if you asked her what she ate today, she would probably tell you she had 6 McRibs and a Twinkie omelet. Then she would tell you she keeps the weight off chasing around her kids. Nicole, you haven't eaten in ten years and you hate those weird kids you adopted with Tom Cruise. Also, your little baby that you actually know her name because its Sunday (GREAT choice) doesn't walk yet. And I think you might be dead.

What I am getting at here is that celebrities are liars. Kelly Ripa does not look like she stepped off a Red Cross helicopter from Tanzania because she is Mexican hat dancing with her little mariachi nuggets. She probably couldn't tell the difference between one of her kids and Chuy. Shes in the gym all day and so are all the other celebrities who say they “do yoga three times a week and try to eat healthy.” Yeah, OK. We all know that occasional yoga and attempted healthy eating leads to a gross fat body that will not get you that coveted role in " The Fast and the Furious 23: Paul Walker gets a Boner." What WILL get you the role is working out all day, eating nothing but lettuce, and then taking a laxative and waiting for Hiroshima to set in. Sexy.

The good thing about all this is that I am not a celebrity and I don't think you are either. Therefore, there is really no need for us to lose ginormous amounts of weight for terrible movies, marry the guy from Coldplay, and get osteopenia because we don't eat any protein like Gwyneth Paltrow. What we can do is make small, healthy changes everyday that will lead us toward a healthier lifestyle, and hopefully, a slammin body. I love celebrities just as much as the next person, but if you think for one second that their lifestyles are something to admire, you are a total doucher. People who don't eat suck to hang out with. People who do coke will steal your money and die at your house. People who take laxatives might crap in your car. There are just too many risks to these celebrity “diets” that I, for one, am not willing to take.

So next time you look at US Weekly and want to cry because those celebrities looks so good, think about what they go through to get there and cheer the F up. YOU can look like that too with small changes and hard work. Remember, THIN does not equal FIT. I don't think Paris Hilton could run half a mile without crying because her herpes are rubbing together. My grandmother weighs about 15 pounds and it takes her 45 minutes to get out of the car. And starving yourself is not the answer either. If you are exercising, protein and veggies are your best friends! Eat up!

I wouldn't lie to my beloved fans. I have tried starving myself (for an hour) many, many times and I never lost any weight until I started treating my body correctly. I think that anyone, including celebrities, would benefit from doing the same. And once you look that great, you can tell everyone that your secret is eating pancakes and walking upstairs once a month. Hey, if everyone else stays fat you will look THAT much better. Love you guys!

Monday, November 15, 2010


Hipsters, dolphins, people who agree with everything you say to the point where you just say contradicting things to listen to them agree with you...these are all things I hate. I also hate people who say “haha” after they try to make a joke on Facebook. If you have to write “haha,” your joke sucked anyways, erase the post. No need to bring nervous laughter to the internet.

Anyways, as you can see, I am just sitting on top of a rainbow surrounded by butterflies made out of M&M's and Ecstasy today. So I have chosen this fine Monday to add something else to the list of things I hate. Pinkberry. Place sucks. Let me tell you about my experience...

So Nick and I are driving to my parents house for a party, and I remember my friend Lauren (who 99% of the time has outstanding taste in all things dessert-y) had told me that she got a coconut frozen yogurt at Pinkberry and it was the best thing she ever had. Being total foodies, we decided to try it out. I was so excited to try this place because I knew that all the celebrities always went there and they are so skinny and cool and I wanted to be skinny and cool too. It wasn't until after we left that I remembered that the only celebrity I have ever seen repeatedly eating Pinkberry is Kim Kardashian. So if you are trying to attract the likes of Ray-J or the entire NFL, get your ass to Pinkberry. Otherwise, stay away or your pants are probably going to explode.

The first thing I noticed when I walked in was the crowd. Tons of 50 yr old women with perfectly straight bob haircuts. So I mean, it was the type of people I usually hang out which got me really jazzed right from the get-go. I walked up to the counter where the worker (who was nice) told me all about how this magic yogurt is made up of a big mixture of fat free ingredients and unicorn piss and blah blah blah....whatever I didn't care. I just wanted to see what all the hype was about.

I ordered up my yogurt and they told me I could get up to 4 toppings. I was pretty excited until I actually looked at the toppings section and got confused. For a place that prides itself on “health,” it looked like they had robbed the kitchens of the local trailer park to create their topping bar. Fruity Pebbles? Cap N Crunch? Am I sixty years old? Who the f eats Cap N Crunch in 2010? They DID have a good selection of fruit, so I asked for some strawberries as well as some “brownie bites” and took my seat amongst the sea of Stepford wives. The yogurt looked pretty good, and I was in the early stages of the food excitement sweats. I was ready to get down to business.

Unfortunately, soon after my first bite I knew that I had worked up that sweat for nothing. I would give the yogurt a 4 out of 10. It was just so totally unimpressive and far from delicious, I couldn't even bring myself to finish it. People think they are doing themselves a favor by getting Pinkberry instead of regular ice cream, but in reality they are still spiking their insulin and holding on to every single calorie they are taking in. Ladies, how is your husband going to resist the temptations on his business trips if the last thing he sees before he leaves is your big, jiggly, ass that clearly took too many trips to “healthy” Pinkberry? Luckily, Nick and I always know whats up when it comes to food, and after only a few bites we threw our cups away and left the shop very upset that we had just spent $10 on yogurt that tasted like dick. No wonder Kim Kardashian loves it there so much. In her defense, I didn't try the chocolate...OK OK OK I'm done.

The moral of this story is....JUST EAT REAL ICE CREAM. If you are going to have a dessert once a week, get some Ben and Jerry's and go to effing town on that shizz. Life is too short to pretend to like Pinkberry. With the exception of Lauren, who I know really loves it there, I think that everyone else who gets that crap is only pretending to like it. Even TCBY is so much better. Actually, TCBY is effing delicious and most people who go there are poor just like me. I may have my negative qualities (no I don't) but I know good food when I eat it, and Pinkberry is gross. Save yourself the trouble, and go to Coldstone right across the street. They put cake IN your ice cream FOR YOU and they sing. Best ever. See ya!!!!!

Friday, November 12, 2010


I know you are all wondering where I've been. Nowhere exciting is all I can say. I have to do my job that actually pays me. Until you people start offering to pay me in money, food, and casual encounters, the possibility that this blog could go on hiatus for a few days will remain very real.

So, lets catch up on my life. Beast of the East. I'm doing it next year. I am already scared. But I watched all those girls do all those workouts and I had no idea who was winning. So as long as nobody knows I am in last place, I don't care. Nick was a champion. He got 30th place out of 102. He WON one event which was the best thing ever. I already talked about this all over Facebook. Nick, your 15 minutes are up. You didn't win American Idol (but you better or I will dump your ass.)

In other news, I am a fat ass. I have gained about 7lbs. Its been about 2 months since this started. I THINK some of it might be muscle, but I KNOW all of it is fat. Don't fret my pets, I will not let my body expand any further. I wouldn't do that to you. I have the tools to remedy this situation (cocaine and cigarettes) and I plan on taking immediate action. Look for me pacing around outside your local package store.

I know you were probably expecting some great post after a week of nothing, but I promise I didn't do anything exciting. I got followed by a man speaking Spanish at this weird mall in Walpole last Friday. That was fun. I took it to mean that despite these extra 7lbs, I am still hot enough to catch the beady eye of a 5'2, non-English speaking, stalker. And for that, I will be forever grateful.

Well, its the moment you've all been waiting for....HAPPY FRIDAY MOTHERF*CKS! Tomorrow, we are throwing a birthday party for my Dad. He is 51 and he loves Hot Tamales and ill fitting athletic gear to wear while coaching 12 year old recreational basketball like its the NBA Finals. Hey, go big or go home...RIGHT? Happy Birthday, Dad! I am not even mad you are leaving your own party early to go to a poker tournament. OK, yes I am.

Here is a picture of me eating. This food is not responsible for the tremendous weight gain. That's from the Butterfingers. I really just love Butterfingers.

Friday, November 5, 2010


Its that time of the week again. Happy Friday! I will admit, I don't like having those weird conversations with people at work where they say " How are you?" and you say " I'm good, I'm so happy its Friday." Thats stupid. I don't like to just say things to keep it from getting weird. But we are all friends here, so there is nothing wrong with celebrating the weekend!!!!! Happy effing Friday everyone!!!!!

This weekend is a big weekend, not for me, but for Nick. He is competing in the Beast of the East competition on Saturday and I have more anxiety about it than he does. Beast of the East is a CrossFit competition where 100 men and 100 women compete in four different events to win the ultimate title of BEAST OF THE EAST. I personally am afraid that one of the events will be a run, and my little Mighty Mouse (Nick is not a large man) will get trampled like my grandfater did one time when he lined up at 5am to get my sister and me " Go Go My Walkin' Pups" for Christmas. The only thing easing my fear of this tragic death by stampede is that he signed up in the women's division. You go girl!

OK OBVIOUSLY, all sarcasm aside, I am so proud of Nick and I know he will do so great tomorrow (and YES, he is in the MEN'S competition.) I want everyone who knows him to wish him luck or you can't read my blog anymore. And I would also like everyone who would feel weird contacting him to MENTALLY tell him to kick some ass! Even if Nick comes in dead last tomorrow, it doesn't even matter because he will still get to unveil his brand new, shiny, black Under Armor leggings to the world. Clearly, the situation is a win/win. GO NICK! MAY THE LEGGINGS LEAD YOU TO VICTORY!

" Prepare to lose, bitches."

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Inferno Face!!!!!!!!!!

You know whats awesome? The Paleo Diet. I think everyone who reads this blog knows I am Paleo's biggest fan, but I just wanted to really stress the point that its the best way to live ever invented. You get to eat tons of bacon. You get to maul endless steak tips with no remorse. You can stuff your face with all kinds of delicious vegetables and never feel hungry. You become so effing skinny. I could go on all day about how the Paleo Diet has turned me into a new and improved person, but in this post, I want to focus on one specific Paleo benefit that is near and dear to my perfectly functioning heart. Today I want to talk about acne.

Another wonderful truth about the Paleo diet is that it helps you to have beautiful skin. I don't know how old you are, but I am 25. This means not only am I past my beer funneling, jello shot loving, staring at 18 yr old high school boys prime, but I am also too old to have acne. I used to have acne before I started eating Paleo and it SUCKED. It didn't show up until I got out of college and got an actual job that provided me with the means to buy myself Applebee's nachos five nights a week. But one day, from what seemed like out of nowhere, I looked in the mirror only to realize that I had the dreaded “ACNE FACE.” And by the way, I still stare at 18 yr old boys.

I spent a lot of time in tears over my new pimples and I tried every prescription medicine that the doctor could legally give me. All those creams just burned the crap out of my face, and left me with not just the acne face, but the even more feared INFERNO ACNE FACE. The INFERNO ACNE FACE is what happens when you have a big, fat, bloated, face covered in pimples but on top of that it is also BRIGHT RED and peeling. Its beautiful. The only cure was tanning in a tanning bed which helped a LITTLE. But, I knew I couldn't do that forever because I was on the brink of either death by skin cancer or turning into a black chick. Obviously, neither of those things were gonna fly with me because everyone knows I have too much to say to die in the near future and I am also the proud owner of the flattest ass on the planet. This was turning into a sticky situation!!!

It took me maybe a month after I started eating Paleo to realize that my pimples had disappeared. The really bad ones that I used to get were on the side of my face, and they were gigantic and painful and required constant maintenance with heavy makeup to conceal them from the world. Nowadays, I only get the occasional chin pimple that so nicely shows up to remind me that my favorite time of the month is fast approaching. As if the weeping at episodes of Biggest Loser wasn't enough of a heads up. Girl power!!!!!!

Once I realized that my acne had vanished into thin air, I went on the internet and looked up the link between acne and the Paleo Diet. What I found was interesting. What had been causing my acne the whole time was grains. Gluten specifically. As I said in a much earlier post, grains are not natural food for humans and they cause inflammation in the body. Acne IS inflammation. So it would only make sense that eating grains would result in me racing into the tanning bed with my face on fire trying to look like a normal person again. Grains suck. Do yourself a favor and eat an effing lettuce wrap, seriously. Last night I had chicken salad, in a Romaine lettuce leaf with some red onions and a little bit of Frank's Red Hot. It was delicious and I can happily say that not one part of my body is inflamed.

In all seriousness, it really is INCREDIBLY difficult to feel good and be confident when you think everyone can only see your acne (because no matter what your Mama tells you, pimples are the first thing people see on your face.) But thanks to the Paleo Diet, now everyone can stare at my beautiful face all the time and gasp in delight at my natural beauty rather than in horror at my inferno face. Which would you prefer?

I am sorry that this post may not have been as comically satisfying as some others, but this is a topic that means a lot to me. My struggles with acne took a huge hit on my confidence for the better part of a year. Let me tell you something, a big fatty fat fat with a giant red pimple face is not something you wanna be. Unless you're effing mental. For me, the Paleo Diet solved both these problems. I bet it would do the same for you. HERE is a link that further explains why grains are so bad for your skin. And FOR REAL, if you are thinking of going to get Benzaclin or Differin or any of those common prescription acne creams, try cutting out the grains first. Nobody likes a fire crotch...I mean face. BYE!