Thursday, November 18, 2010

Celebrities Lie...SURPRISE!

If I told you that I would rather be healthy than skinny I would be lying. Luckily, having a smoking hot bod is a side effect of my lifestyle ( I can say that because I used to be fat.) But, if you hooked me up to a lie detector test and told me I could either be slim and out of shape or healthy and built like a brick shithouse, I think we all know what my answer would be.

Thankfully, I have come up with a way to be both skinny AND healthy, but I know a group of people who have yet to figure this out. Celebrities. Look at those effing people. Take Nicole Kidman for example. How tall is she 11'4? Bitch can't weigh more than 110 lbs and that's while shes holding Keith Urban in her skeletor arms like a tiny Australian koala baby. But if you asked her what she ate today, she would probably tell you she had 6 McRibs and a Twinkie omelet. Then she would tell you she keeps the weight off chasing around her kids. Nicole, you haven't eaten in ten years and you hate those weird kids you adopted with Tom Cruise. Also, your little baby that you actually know her name because its Sunday (GREAT choice) doesn't walk yet. And I think you might be dead.

What I am getting at here is that celebrities are liars. Kelly Ripa does not look like she stepped off a Red Cross helicopter from Tanzania because she is Mexican hat dancing with her little mariachi nuggets. She probably couldn't tell the difference between one of her kids and Chuy. Shes in the gym all day and so are all the other celebrities who say they “do yoga three times a week and try to eat healthy.” Yeah, OK. We all know that occasional yoga and attempted healthy eating leads to a gross fat body that will not get you that coveted role in " The Fast and the Furious 23: Paul Walker gets a Boner." What WILL get you the role is working out all day, eating nothing but lettuce, and then taking a laxative and waiting for Hiroshima to set in. Sexy.

The good thing about all this is that I am not a celebrity and I don't think you are either. Therefore, there is really no need for us to lose ginormous amounts of weight for terrible movies, marry the guy from Coldplay, and get osteopenia because we don't eat any protein like Gwyneth Paltrow. What we can do is make small, healthy changes everyday that will lead us toward a healthier lifestyle, and hopefully, a slammin body. I love celebrities just as much as the next person, but if you think for one second that their lifestyles are something to admire, you are a total doucher. People who don't eat suck to hang out with. People who do coke will steal your money and die at your house. People who take laxatives might crap in your car. There are just too many risks to these celebrity “diets” that I, for one, am not willing to take.

So next time you look at US Weekly and want to cry because those celebrities looks so good, think about what they go through to get there and cheer the F up. YOU can look like that too with small changes and hard work. Remember, THIN does not equal FIT. I don't think Paris Hilton could run half a mile without crying because her herpes are rubbing together. My grandmother weighs about 15 pounds and it takes her 45 minutes to get out of the car. And starving yourself is not the answer either. If you are exercising, protein and veggies are your best friends! Eat up!

I wouldn't lie to my beloved fans. I have tried starving myself (for an hour) many, many times and I never lost any weight until I started treating my body correctly. I think that anyone, including celebrities, would benefit from doing the same. And once you look that great, you can tell everyone that your secret is eating pancakes and walking upstairs once a month. Hey, if everyone else stays fat you will look THAT much better. Love you guys!

1 comment:

  1. my secret is going to yoga and then ordering a personalized pizza from pizza hut. that's why i look like nicole richie.