Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Death and Finding Inspiration: A Blogger's Strife

I think I am dead. I have been sick for a week and it isn't getting better. It's from the community M&M's at work. I have the world's worst case of germophobia, but I can't keep my fat hands out of that effing M&M dish. Those little f*ckers are PEANUT BUTTER. Everyone who knows me is well aware that I am more of a gummi girl, so I had never had peanut butter M&M's until like 2 weeks ago and I am pissed about it. They are wonderful. Once I ate one, it just turned into a non-stop M&M party which led to me contracting the Ebola virus and losing the ability to tell if I am alive or not. Moral of the story: stick with the gummis.

So feeling like absolute dick has really put a damper on this blog in the sense that I haven't posted in over a week. I was also having trouble finding inspiration, and if you are a brilliant mind like me, you know that genius needs to be inspired. But, alas, inspiration came to me, as it most often does, in the form of an annoyance. Listening to people talk about diets and health. Makes me insane.

I know that I can't expect everyone to be Paleo, but it really is hard for me to keep my mouth shut sometimes. I talk a lot and I like to know things, so when I hear people talking about reduced fat Wheat Thins and shit, it takes everything in me to keep quiet. Its 2011...why are you eating Wheat Thins?

I get it, knowing what to eat is confusing. Do you eat low carb? Do you do Weight Watchers? Do you count calories? There are a lot of questions out there for a person looking to get (and stay) healthy. But I have to think that in 2011, you have to know that processed crackers are bad news. Don't get me wrong, you can go from a diet of all fast food, to a diet of lean turkey sandwiches and low-fat CheezIts and you will probably lose some POUNDS. But I am telling you right now, if you lose your weight on a high carb, low calorie diet, you will have chicken legs and arms with the world's jiggliest belly. Super fun time!

I love it when I think someone is thin, and then I see pictures of them on Facebook in a bikini and I am like “ Holy mother of Christ nice rolls, Jigglepuff.” Its called skinny-fat and in my opinion it is worse than fat-fat. When I was a fatty there were no false pretenses. I had a nice tan, nice hair, giant boobs, but I was a little fat and everyone knew it. Honesty, people. Its all about the honesty. Show the world your giant bod. On the flipside, there are chicks out there who look like pipe cleaners, but you get their clothes off and its like they are made of white Nickelodeon Gack. Talk about awkward. Whats the point of being skinny then? Who are you the friggin devil? If I was a dude and I thought I was scoring a chick with a hot bod only to find out her skin looked like it was full of cottage cheese while simultaneously melting off her body I would flip the f*ck out. That's false advertising in the worst kind of way. WORSE than a giant push up bra if you ask me. I can work with little boobs, but surprise belly rolls are just grounds for ending whatever was going on in the first place. (Note: This is coming from the perspective of me pretending to be a young single male. Since I do not fit that profile, I cannot speak for everyone, or anyone actually, in this age demographic. Some people are chubby chasers and if you are one, please contact me because I have so, so so, many questions.)

This is where my mind goes when people start talking about foods they think are healthy. Even Dr. Oz, who I think is literally an alien, agrees that ALL NATURAL foods are the way to go. Even if people were confused about whether or not beans are healthy (they aren't) and eating too much fruit, it would not upset me because those foods are at least natural! If you are standing there announcing to anyone who will listen that you are going to be so skinny because you eat mini bags of cinnamon rice cakes, you are just stupid. You are going to have a weird, bloated, disproportionate body, and I am going to laugh so hard at all your bikini pictures when you post them on Facebook. So hard.

The point of this post was not to be malicious. I have been a fatty before, and I got nothin but love for all you large orders out there just trying to make it in the world. As long as you are happy, I am happy. But, if you are currently at an unhealthy weight, and considering some strange, low calorie, crash diet to get thin, you should really consider prioritizing your HEALTH over your WEIGHT. I guarantee you, that if you focus on feeding your body an all natural, nutritious, and as gluten free as possible diet, the weight loss will happen. Or, you could go the other way, and stuff your face full of 100 calorie packs of Chips Ahoy and that weird Pirate's Booty shit, and turn into the flabbiest freak on the planet. Whatever way you decide to go, please still plan on posting the semi-nudes on Facebook. K, thanks bye.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Holy Cow

I would never describe myself as an animal lover. I love some dogs. I love some cats. I pretty much hate every other kind of animal. Baby pigs are cute, I guess. And monkeys are okay if they don't bite and don't have that gigantic visible asshole. But if we are in the trust tree here, I am going to just come out and tell you that if I run over a squirrel I don't cry. Although I did cry when I ran over a turtle because it wasn't his fault he was born a slow mover (like Nick.) And I also cried that time a cat ran into my back wheel and catapulted into a bus stop full of people doing high speed cartwheels (the cat was doing the cartwheels, not the people.) Whatever. The point is, while you will never catch me working for the ASPCA, my new “thing” is to really care about where the cows I eat come from, what they are being fed, and how they are being treated. I love having new “things.” This one is almost as cool as when my “thing” was wearing Harley Davidson clothes in 11th grade. Except I don't think caring about cows will make nearly as many people think I am a douchebag. By the way I don't know if cartwheel cat lived or died.

Recently I have started eating a lot of grass fed beef that I purchase at a farmer's market in North Attleboro. The main reason I like this beef better is because not only is it hormone free, but it is also totally full of an acid called CLA that helps to reduce abdominal fat. HIGH FIVE! Admittedly, I notice very little, if any, difference in the taste between this beef and the beef I could buy at Stop and Shop, but it makes me feel a little better knowing that the meat I am eating is increasing my level of sexiness. I only have a few more good years before I have to get an old lady haircut, so I will take all the sexiness assistance I can get for the time being.

Another reason I like this beef is because it is not produced at a giant, disgusting slaughterhouse. If you have seen the movie Food Inc, you will know that the big slaughterhouses process thousands of cows an hour and employ tons of illegal immigrants who work in abysmal conditions. Think about it. Countless cow carcasses flying around on hooks being inspected by people who probably don't give a shit about their job because it SUCKS? Who the hell knows what is getting into that beef! Probably finger nails and cow balls and cow hair and AIDS. Gross. My cows go to a small slaughterhouse in Vermont and fly around dead in much smaller groups. Less flailing carcasses, less room for error, less AIDS.

Finally, I like to eat grass fed beef whenever I can because it is SAFE. A lot of people don't know this, but E-Coli does not exist in grass fed cows. I can eat this meat, cooked whatever way I want, knowing that I am not going to die painfully from E-Coli after several days of hallucinating and puking up blood clots. The United States government is at the point where it profits so much from corn production, that rather than just STOP feeding cows corn all together to prevent E-Coli, they are just pumped full of unnatural antibiotics to kill the bacteria. Feeding cows corn is cheap, so why stop just because its harmful to them? This would be like if you ate laundry detergent all the time because its cheap, but then took drugs so you wouldn't die. That's dumb, and everyone would hate you. Luckily, now you know this, and you can start to look into purchasing locally raised grassfed beef instead. Party!

To wrap this up, I just want to pull on your heart strings a little and tell you that the cows living in giant warehouses, being fed corn, and waiting to die are not happy cows. They never get to go outside, and they never get any love (sexually from other cows or platonic love from humans.) The cows I eat get to go out in the fields and eat and take huge craps and have tons of sex all day. I like to imagine that the farmer hugs them and kisses them and names them things like Cuddles, Sprinkles, and T-Pain. Keep in mind, the same rules apply for pigs and chickens, and it is always better to eat grassfed pork and pastured chickens whenever you can. This post is dedicated to the possibly dead, but also maybe still alive, Cartwheel Cat.