Thursday, November 4, 2010

Inferno Face!!!!!!!!!!

You know whats awesome? The Paleo Diet. I think everyone who reads this blog knows I am Paleo's biggest fan, but I just wanted to really stress the point that its the best way to live ever invented. You get to eat tons of bacon. You get to maul endless steak tips with no remorse. You can stuff your face with all kinds of delicious vegetables and never feel hungry. You become so effing skinny. I could go on all day about how the Paleo Diet has turned me into a new and improved person, but in this post, I want to focus on one specific Paleo benefit that is near and dear to my perfectly functioning heart. Today I want to talk about acne.

Another wonderful truth about the Paleo diet is that it helps you to have beautiful skin. I don't know how old you are, but I am 25. This means not only am I past my beer funneling, jello shot loving, staring at 18 yr old high school boys prime, but I am also too old to have acne. I used to have acne before I started eating Paleo and it SUCKED. It didn't show up until I got out of college and got an actual job that provided me with the means to buy myself Applebee's nachos five nights a week. But one day, from what seemed like out of nowhere, I looked in the mirror only to realize that I had the dreaded “ACNE FACE.” And by the way, I still stare at 18 yr old boys.

I spent a lot of time in tears over my new pimples and I tried every prescription medicine that the doctor could legally give me. All those creams just burned the crap out of my face, and left me with not just the acne face, but the even more feared INFERNO ACNE FACE. The INFERNO ACNE FACE is what happens when you have a big, fat, bloated, face covered in pimples but on top of that it is also BRIGHT RED and peeling. Its beautiful. The only cure was tanning in a tanning bed which helped a LITTLE. But, I knew I couldn't do that forever because I was on the brink of either death by skin cancer or turning into a black chick. Obviously, neither of those things were gonna fly with me because everyone knows I have too much to say to die in the near future and I am also the proud owner of the flattest ass on the planet. This was turning into a sticky situation!!!

It took me maybe a month after I started eating Paleo to realize that my pimples had disappeared. The really bad ones that I used to get were on the side of my face, and they were gigantic and painful and required constant maintenance with heavy makeup to conceal them from the world. Nowadays, I only get the occasional chin pimple that so nicely shows up to remind me that my favorite time of the month is fast approaching. As if the weeping at episodes of Biggest Loser wasn't enough of a heads up. Girl power!!!!!!

Once I realized that my acne had vanished into thin air, I went on the internet and looked up the link between acne and the Paleo Diet. What I found was interesting. What had been causing my acne the whole time was grains. Gluten specifically. As I said in a much earlier post, grains are not natural food for humans and they cause inflammation in the body. Acne IS inflammation. So it would only make sense that eating grains would result in me racing into the tanning bed with my face on fire trying to look like a normal person again. Grains suck. Do yourself a favor and eat an effing lettuce wrap, seriously. Last night I had chicken salad, in a Romaine lettuce leaf with some red onions and a little bit of Frank's Red Hot. It was delicious and I can happily say that not one part of my body is inflamed.

In all seriousness, it really is INCREDIBLY difficult to feel good and be confident when you think everyone can only see your acne (because no matter what your Mama tells you, pimples are the first thing people see on your face.) But thanks to the Paleo Diet, now everyone can stare at my beautiful face all the time and gasp in delight at my natural beauty rather than in horror at my inferno face. Which would you prefer?

I am sorry that this post may not have been as comically satisfying as some others, but this is a topic that means a lot to me. My struggles with acne took a huge hit on my confidence for the better part of a year. Let me tell you something, a big fatty fat fat with a giant red pimple face is not something you wanna be. Unless you're effing mental. For me, the Paleo Diet solved both these problems. I bet it would do the same for you. HERE is a link that further explains why grains are so bad for your skin. And FOR REAL, if you are thinking of going to get Benzaclin or Differin or any of those common prescription acne creams, try cutting out the grains first. Nobody likes a fire crotch...I mean face. BYE!


  1. i bet your bowels were inflamed after that frank's red hot..

  2. i bet your will be inflamed when i kick you in the ass wth my muscle legs.