Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Hilary Swank Enrages Me and the Rest of America

Hilary Swank struggled to gain weight for her role in new movie Conviction and forced herself to eat food even when she was full in order to bulk up.

The Million Dollar Baby star plays an unemployed single mother who earns a law degree so she can represent her brother in court in the film. Swank was required to put on 15 pounds for her part - but she found it hard work eating enough food to build up her svelte frame, and even gave up her regular workouts.

She tells New York Post newspaper columnist Cindy Adams, "I personally have difficulty keeping weight on, and for this role I had to add 15 pounds. My character, a single mom, hadn't any opportunity to stay fit. For my own needs, I like working out. But to gain weight I stopped that. Besides, this was an independent film. Small budget. We filmed long hours, long days. No time to work out."

"Normally I only eat until I'm full. On this shoot, I kept eating more. Even when I was full, I'd eat more. With nowhere to go, the weight stays on you."

Shut up. This is not something that you say when you want people to like you. “ Oh, look at me I can't get fat, everybody feel bad for me.” No. Hell no. The only reason I didn't personally write her some hate mail about this is because I don't know if she can read because I think one of her parents is a horse. Let me tell you something Hilary “ I literally looked like a dude in that movie about wanting to be a boy” Swank. It is VERY easy to look like a chubby,single mom. I rocked that look for YEARS without even having a kid that I can remember! And the weird thing is, I didn't get offered even one movie role. What the eff, Hil? You really think complaining about being too skinny is going to make you a fan favorite? I bet it will make you about as popular as those chapped lips you had at the end of Million Dollar Baby. Gross.

Alright. So aside from picking movie roles that make her look terrifying, Hilary Swank does not know how to appeal to the fatties who make up 3 quarters of America's population. But like I said, because she is not pretty, she can Butterface her way all over the planet broadcasting how thin she is and I could give a sheep's dick. I could gain 15 pounds for a movie role during the audition if I had to. All I would need is an XL order of Gold Fever Wings and someone to challenge me to a Case Race and I would have that leading role so fast the director would burst into tears and piss himself.

Bottom line: Gaining weight is not a crime, but for those of us who pack on pounds easily, its NOT COOL when people talk about the burdens of being naturally thin BECAUSE THERE ARE NONE. I have no effing clue what makes someone naturally thin but my most developed theory is that its a combination of starvation, lies, and deceptively pretending to eat a lot but really only taking 2 bites. Yea, because that sounds like a fun life. PASS. Hilary Swank, you aren't fooling anybody. I don't care how many Oscars you have, and how much money you make. I have a sick blog. Beat that!


  1. Haley, I felt compelled to comment on this post for a couple of reasons, so here goes:

    I was seriously laughing so hard when I read this; you are so right about Hillary Swank's equine facial features. Even with her busted up face in Million Dollar Baby and tranny/precursor-to-Justin Bieber thing she had going on in Boys Don't Cry, her natural Seabiscuit still shone brightly through.

    BUT, I had to also address the flip-side of being skinny. I can't imagine the struggle an overweight person goes through to shed those Lbs and improve his or her self-esteem. I do, however, know what it's like to always be skinny and be unhappy with it. If you walked up to an overweight person at a party and said "oh my God, you're so fat. You need to stop eating!", everyone would think you're the Anti Christ. But imagine going up to a very thin person and saying "oh my God, you're so skinny, you need to eat more." Nothing wrong with that, right? The latter has happened to me more than once and it doesn't feel good. I'm what's called a "hard-gainer." I just have a faster metabolism than most people, so I don't gain weight if I eat as much as someone else who normally would gain weight. That sounds just fine in theory, but all those "you're so skinny" comments can really wear a person down over the years. This can lead to a poor-self image, but those who have difficulty gaining weight feel even worse for expressing dissatisfaction with their bodies because being thin is viewed as attractive. I finally got sick of the comments and the self-hating attitude and decided to do something about it. By increasing my caloric intake and doing weight-training, I was able to gain about 35 pounds of fat/muscle and my self-esteem has improved drastically. So that's my two cents (or 73 cents...I know this is a needlessly-long comment). You've definitely got a valid point, so don't think I'm hating! I just wanted to offer a counter-point :)

    The blog's awesome and really insightful, not to mention hilarious! Great job! I just had to comment on a post.

    Male and Female Asses,

    Jonny V

  2. Jonathan Villaire! Wow! Hi! This is so momentous, you are the first person to disagree with me ever. In my whole life. OK thats not true, Mr Navin I think wanted to beat my ass on a daily basis. I am happy you gained 35lbs of muscle. Thats impressive. You should look into CrossFit. I am literally addicted to it and I am so strong and cool now. I've been skinny, then fat, then skinny, and maybe its because I'm a girl, but skinny feels better to me. I guess nobody is ever happy with what they have, but the important thing is to be healthy, which it sounds like you are :) Thanks for the blog support, homey. Happy Holidays! Make yourself some " pancakes, pancakes,sunny little tan cakes" ( sounds so strange if u arent a Sacred Heart kid) for breakfast on Christmas morning! I know I am going to!

  3. HAHHAHAHAHA I LOVE ALL OF THIS!! Male and female asses!! i am also happy you sound like you are doing great jonny v!!

  4. american people,some rest of the world has been watching-one remembers the funny contraption'selfish can be who does not care for me!'...I just saw some pampered Gere,a bright Loockheed Electra & Hilary playing a convincing Amelia on my screen; 1937 it was 'the largest rescue,nothing was found'.looks like there is a lot of neurosis all about it;in Eastwwood's movie I especially liked the characters of her family, regards!