Monday, December 6, 2010

Lean Cuisine Sucks

Today I want to talk about Lean Cuisines and how bad they suck. First of all. Every single person that you see eating a Lean Cuisine is either fat or anorexic. When you eat a Lean Cuisine, one of two things happens. A)You eat that tiny, strange, microwavable meal and you're still starving, so you march your fat ass down to the vending machine for a Snickers and some of those vanilla cream cookies that taste like what I imagine a make out session with Tom Brady would taste like. Or B) you eat the Lean Cuisine, pretend it tastes so good, and then starve for 24 hours until you get to eat another one because you are anorexic. In both of these situations, the person needs help. And that is why there are people like me in this world to tell you all how to do everything correctly.

First off, there is no way to fit Lean Cuisines, Smart Ones, or any of those frozen meals into a healthy diet. There are too many empty calories in there to keep anyone full or happy. Noodles, rice, weird tiny pizza with CUBES of pepperoni on it? Shizz is nasty. 3 bites of frozen bread covered in processed shredded cheese, topped with ten tiny meat squares carved from a pigs ass is not a good lunch in my world. Its the most basic rule of nutrition, people. Carbohydrates don't keep you full. Especially when its only 250 calories of frozen noodles containing upwards of 300mg of sodium. So not only can you FEEL tired and hungry, you can also LOOK like ET, with a big bloated belly walking around staring at everyone wondering why no boys like you. Oh please, sign me up for the pig ass cubes, this sounds too good to be true.

I know I have said this a thousand times, but you NEED to eat fresh food. Fresh meat and vegetables. A few almonds. Hellooooo, sexy. If you want to be a royal pain in my muscular ass and tell me that this isn't true, go hang out in the frozen food section and look at the freaks who are buying these meals. Its like the most terrifying combination of Hoarders and Intervention up in there. Instead of trying to get skinny by eating frozen, salty, airplane food for $3.99 a box, why not try to get healthy by eating right and let the weight loss happen naturally? The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. So maybe its time to change your perspective. GET YA MIND RIGHT, KID.

Here is an article about why Lean Cuisines suck so bad. I hope this will stop people from going out and wasting their money on food that sucks and makes them bloated and pimply and farty and jelly bellied. But as I have said before, the more you insist on eating things like Lean Cuisines, the better I am going to look standing next to you while you are ripping toxic farts with your big fat gut hanging out all over the place. So the choice is yours!!!


  1. Right on girl. I used to think Lean Cuisines were the best things ever until I realized they were the reason my face looked like a bowling ball.

  2. oh man, i hate the bowling ball face.

  3. Read while eating a lean cuisine by someone who has a bowling ball face and has been recognized world-wide for his toxic farting abilities...smh

  4. Read while eating a lean cuisine by someone who has a bowling ball face and has been recognized world-wide for his toxic farting abilities...smh