Thursday, October 28, 2010

Party Time

Oh my god. My computer won't upload any pictures. I am very upset about this. I have food pictures, pictures of my cats, pictures of me in a bikini...everything. I don't care if you think its weird that I said I have pictures of me in a bikini. Whenever I am on Facebook and see beach pictures of people I immediately click on them and use my mental Sharpie to circle all their fat areas and think about what body parts of mine are better. Everyone does that. Its fun. And girls in bikinis are awesome, skinny or fat. So, if I ever get these pictures up, you can stare at my almost nude body for hours and give me mental liposuction till you're blue in the face. But this all depends on my computer, so you may just have to wait until the next time I'm getting my tan on, which won't be until the summer as I am far too poor to go on vacation. And you won't be able to stare at me for so long in person, because I will punch you in the stomach. Here's hoping my computer starts to work!

Moving along...I want to discuss a topic that I know I have brushed on in previous posts. Food at the office. Its my nightmare. Tomorrow, in celebration of Halloween (most anxiety inducing holiday ever,) everyone in my office is going to bring in their favorite dessert to ruin my life. Naturally, I immediately came up with some guidelines for myself, because if I just went into this without a game plan I would end up body slamming the table over and over with my mouth open until all the food was gone or I got fired. I don't know how that would look on my resume, so I came up with the following rules that will hopefully preserve both my stellar corporate persona as well as my mind-blowing physique. Here we go:

Rule 1) Wear tight clothes. I will be so crammed into my pants tomorrow it will be borderline grotesque (minus the borderline.) Also, I think I might wear one of those body suits that buttons at the crotch. If anyone has a nude body suit (full body including legs, crotch buttons optional) and wants to let me borrow it PLEASE CONTACT ME. I have been dying to show up to work in one of those for years, and I am willing to pay you in anything but money. WINK WINK.

Rule 2) ONE trip to the dessert party table. I am not going up there twice. When you go up to the dessert table a second time its always so awkward. You have to make weird comments like “ Oh my god, I'm so gross I know” or “ I am going to work out later, guys” and then everyone hates you and thinks you suck. I don't need any more people hating on me. I will see you all at the dessert table ONE TIME.

Rule 3) I can only eat desserts that I have NEVER had before or that I will probably not get the chance to have again for a long time. This means no ordinary chocolate chip cookies or cupcakes or brownies unless they are a flavor I've never had. Or have tons of weed in them.

Yep. Those are my rules. I can't wait to come flying in wearing my nude body suit, make a million excuses for why each dessert is different than anything I've ever had before, eat everything, and call it a day. I really hope none of that happens except for the nude suit. I promise I will impress you all, as I always do. I WOULD NEVER LET MY READERS DOWN.

PS: For those of you wondering why I hate Halloween, here is the answer. It sucks. Halloween is supposed to be fun and/or funny. For kids, its cute. For guys, its funny. For girls....ugh. Every girl my age puts so much emphasis on their stupid costumes and nobody has fun with it. And honestly, I have yet to see anyone that I've watched throw a Halloween hissy fit look exceptionally great when the big day finally rolls around. Last year me and Nick were the Wet Bandits and it was awesome. If you don't know who the Wet Bandits are, why are you reading my blog? This year I wanted to be Buzz Lightyear, but I couldn't afford to make my own costume, and my giant Swedish body would not cram into the kids size suit. So, as I declared on Facebook earlier in the week, I am dressing up as a crackhead this year, which will be no different from a regular Sunday for me anyways. Thats all I have to say about that.

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