Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Lesson Learned...

This weekend I ate Chinese food for the last time. OK, maybe not. But definitely for the last time in a LONG time.

It seemed like the best idea ever. Avoid fried things and noodles and just get some beef and broccoli, with a nice side of spare ribs, some wings, and some garlic chicken. High calorie, yes, but it was Saturday and reading the menu gave me the sweats from excitement. Nobody was going to try to stop me or they were going to get head butted. And with a head the size of mine, thats pretty much guaranteed death. I was absolutely going to take down a bucket of pig fat while watching Cops, and if someone had to die in the process, they clearly deserved it.

So, fast forward to an hour later, and slowest driver on Earth Nick finally brings me my food. I eat it all, and things are good for about five minutes until I fall asleep. Now, I know I am always falling asleep all over town, but this was different. It was barely 8pm, and it HURT to keep my eyes open. I went up to bed, but I didn't really get to sleep because I spent the whole night in the bathroom ready to puke. Worst part: I NEVER PUKED. Just sat there so incredibly nauseaus preparing for a battle that the enemy never showed up for. Second worst part: I had to keep running down the dark hallway past the scary empty bedroom where I am pretty sure that vampire girl from that new movie and Candyman live together waiting to chase me and murder me. Chinese food sucks.

You are probably not surprised by this at all. Obviously I am not the first person to feel like they are going to turn into the Exorcist and puke all over the ceiling after eating Chinese food. But, maybe you don't know who you are dealing with. My stomach is the business. Absolute steel trap. I can eat two chili dogs and a fried dough and ride The Zipper 45 times with a smile on my face. I could probably drink a gallon of chunky milk and then dominate a handstand contest. Unless I have the flu, I don't have an upset stomach. How do you think I got so fat in the first place? By getting the runs from eating five Doritos? Hell no. I could eat the whole bag sprinkled on top of a cheeseburger and cannoli pizza at 6am. I'm awesome. You should know that by now.

I think what happened here is simply poor quality. Since I started eating Paleo, I have cooked everything I eat in either butter (from grass-fed cows) or bacon grease (from nitrate free bacon.) Occasionally I will use a cooking spray, but I try not to because when you heat them up they turn into trans fat. I dont know what Chinese food restaurants cook with, but I am 98% sure its sweat they collect off eachother on the ride into work. 20 people in a van, its gonna get a little steamy. That, combined with MSG and good old mystery meat, was enough to upset even my stomach. I can only imagine what it would do to a normal person. You'd probably be in diapers for a month.

What I am trying to get at is that you can be Paleo all you want, but the quality of the food you eat is really important. There is a major difference between eating free range chicken breast versus a McDonalds hamburger patty. Clearly, there are going to be times where you want to eat crappy food, but even if you avoid grains and stay Paleo, there might be consequences if you eat low quality meat marinated in rhino pee. I know that nobody is perfect, and steak on a stick is delicious, and fortune cookies are fun as hell. But save yourself the trouble, and I'll just tell you your fortune right now. If you eat anything that comes out of a weird white box, you will spend your night hugging the toilet and wishing for death. I will leave you with that.....


  1. i like the line about the exorcism and puking on the ceiling....KUDOS!!!!

  2. im glad...i knew that would be a crowd pleaser.