Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Sorry...Can't Eat That!!!

In recent weeks, a lot of people have been mentioning to me that it is hard to eat Paleo at parties. I agree with my little Paleo buddies 100%. In fact, every party I have ever attended has been pretty non-Paleo friendly with the exception of one, my uncle/aunt's birthday this past weekend. It was awesome. There was so much meat available because they read this blog every day and know very well that I have no problem causing major physical (but mostly emotional) damage to people who don't do what I want. Long hair, don't care. But sometimes, people don't know how scary I am, and they just go ahead like a total dick and throw a pizza party without asking me if that's what they should do. What the hell? This puts me in the worst situation of all time, except for maybe that time my steering wheel stopped working on the highway (really happened.) I can't eat pizza, but I don't feel like explaining Paleo to people who don't care and probably already hate me, so what the shizz should I do?

Every dedicated Paleo follower knows that it sucks when there is great food available to you and you can't eat it. The suckiness of the situation is amplified when the food is free. I love eating and I am poor as shit. Free donuts are lookin pretty good to me all the time. If I was going to be fiscally responsible, I would pound those donuts before anyone else could get there, and act confused when whoever bought them wanted to know where they went. But this isn't fatty dreamland, its Earth, and on Earth people who eat donuts get fat and die. So even if in the short term eating any form of free food appears to be the smarter choice, if I ever want to live long enough to be a billionaire blogger with the sexiest body over 50, I need to watch what the f I am eating. Thus, sadly I must always pass on free donuts. Nobody said my life was fun.

I do not want to mislead my readers into thinking that I am so perfect and never eat anything that is not Paleo. I WISH I could stay strict all the time, but the truth is, sometimes you get yourself in a situation where sticking to Paleo is just not worth it if you don't want people to think you are a total freakshow. For example, if the boss buys pizza for everyone, eat a piece. You don't want to get fired for being the ungrateful dickbag who thinks they are too good for pizza. Another example, sharing appetizers. Nobody likes the whining dinkus who sits there with their arms crossed and refuses to order nachos on a Friday night. If you have understanding friends who accept you for all your strange and annoying behaviors that's one thing, but if you are out with coworkers, or maybe some idiot actually asked you on a date, it might be best to just eat like a normal person. Don't tell the people you work with, or the person you are on a date with that you are a caveman for at LEAST 3 weeks. I would think this would be common sense, but I know some pretty stupid people, so just eat the nachos and shut up. Let them think you have that smokin bod AND eat whatever you want! No need to give up your secrets (or anything else...OK maybe if they are really rich) too soon!

If you are still confused about what situations to break Paleo in, let me break it down for you like this. Monday-Friday, you need to be strict. Eat a Paleo breakfast, lunch and dinner and try not to have any cheats. If on Thursday afternoon the boss buys pizza, take one small slice, say thank you, and then eat that slice WITH your Paleo lunch. You still want that protein. Then say Saturday comes along, and your friends order up some boneless buffalo wings. Don't have a hissy fit like a 2011 2-year-old whose parents let them “express themselves.” Eat a few of the damn wings and have a salad for dinner. A Paleo lifestyle should be a lifestyle that you enjoy, not one that forces you to be constantly worried about breaking the rules. Its not a diet, and therefore there should be no guilt experienced after the occasional slip up.

I don't really believe in reincarnation, so I am going to go out on a limb here and say that you only have one life to live. And, while eating a Paleo diet will enhance the quality and longevity of that life, pizza and nachos are delicious and people will think you're a weird serial killer if you never eat them.

In light of this 154th snow storm of 2011...I am going to post some pictures of things I like to do in the summer...ENJOY MOFOS!

I like to get my hair professionally styled.

I like to have productive Sunday afternoons.

I like to make new and exciting friends.

But what I HATE, is drawing attention to myself at the beach.

1 comment:

  1. Favorite line: "But this isn't fatty dreamland, its Earth, and on Earth people who eat donuts get fat and die." haha so true.