Monday=Rantday

Hipsters, dolphins, people who agree with everything you say to the point where you just say contradicting things to listen to them agree with you...these are all things I hate. I also hate people who say “haha” after they try to make a joke on Facebook. If you have to write “haha,” your joke sucked anyways, erase the post. No need to bring nervous laughter to the internet.

Anyways, as you can see, I am just sitting on top of a rainbow surrounded by butterflies made out of M&M's and Ecstasy today. So I have chosen this fine Monday to add something else to the list of things I hate. Pinkberry. Place sucks. Let me tell you about my experience...

So Nick and I are driving to my parents house for a party, and I remember my friend Lauren (who 99% of the time has outstanding taste in all things dessert-y) had told me that she got a coconut frozen yogurt at Pinkberry and it was the best thing she ever had. Being total foodies, we decided to try it out. I was so excited to try this place because I knew that all the celebrities always went there and they are so skinny and cool and I wanted to be skinny and cool too. It wasn't until after we left that I remembered that the only celebrity I have ever seen repeatedly eating Pinkberry is Kim Kardashian. So if you are trying to attract the likes of Ray-J or the entire NFL, get your ass to Pinkberry. Otherwise, stay away or your pants are probably going to explode.

The first thing I noticed when I walked in was the crowd. Tons of 50 yr old women with perfectly straight bob haircuts. So I mean, it was the type of people I usually hang out which got me really jazzed right from the get-go. I walked up to the counter where the worker (who was nice) told me all about how this magic yogurt is made up of a big mixture of fat free ingredients and unicorn piss and blah blah blah....whatever I didn't care. I just wanted to see what all the hype was about.

I ordered up my yogurt and they told me I could get up to 4 toppings. I was pretty excited until I actually looked at the toppings section and got confused. For a place that prides itself on “health,” it looked like they had robbed the kitchens of the local trailer park to create their topping bar. Fruity Pebbles? Cap N Crunch? Am I sixty years old? Who the f eats Cap N Crunch in 2010? They DID have a good selection of fruit, so I asked for some strawberries as well as some “brownie bites” and took my seat amongst the sea of Stepford wives. The yogurt looked pretty good, and I was in the early stages of the food excitement sweats. I was ready to get down to business.

Unfortunately, soon after my first bite I knew that I had worked up that sweat for nothing. I would give the yogurt a 4 out of 10. It was just so totally unimpressive and far from delicious, I couldn't even bring myself to finish it. People think they are doing themselves a favor by getting Pinkberry instead of regular ice cream, but in reality they are still spiking their insulin and holding on to every single calorie they are taking in. Ladies, how is your husband going to resist the temptations on his business trips if the last thing he sees before he leaves is your big, jiggly, ass that clearly took too many trips to “healthy” Pinkberry? Luckily, Nick and I always know whats up when it comes to food, and after only a few bites we threw our cups away and left the shop very upset that we had just spent $10 on yogurt that tasted like dick. No wonder Kim Kardashian loves it there so much. In her defense, I didn't try the chocolate...OK OK OK I'm done.

The moral of this story is....JUST EAT REAL ICE CREAM. If you are going to have a dessert once a week, get some Ben and Jerry's and go to effing town on that shizz. Life is too short to pretend to like Pinkberry. With the exception of Lauren, who I know really loves it there, I think that everyone else who gets that crap is only pretending to like it. Even TCBY is so much better. Actually, TCBY is effing delicious and most people who go there are poor just like me. I may have my negative qualities (no I don't) but I know good food when I eat it, and Pinkberry is gross. Save yourself the trouble, and go to Coldstone right across the street. They put cake IN your ice cream FOR YOU and they sing. Best ever. See ya!!!!!