Wednesday, January 19, 2011

That Feels Weird

Everyday a new body part hurts for me. Right now I feel like my boobs detached from my body, went to a rock fight, lost the rock fight, and came back. Some days my ass hurts so bad I will hold in my pee for 4 hours to avoid getting off the couch. These are the side effects of exercise, and often times people quit working out because they can't take the pain. I think these people are wimps and losers. I like the pain. I love it when my legs feel like Vince Wilfork had sex with a manatee on them for 5 hours. It means that all my hard work is paying off, and someday when someone tries to rape me in the liquor store parking lot I can be like “Oh, hell to the mother effing no” and kick them unconscious. Then I will be on TV and everyone will know about Health Gone Wild, and I will finally have the riches that I should have already used my stunning good looks to acquire. Where did my life go wrong?

While I do love the aches and pains that let me know my fatty fat cells are melting, I effing hate injuries. There is a major difference between the pain after a hard workout, and getting your dumb ass injured. I have had 2 injuries that I can remember, and both of them happened at really embarrassing times. First, I pulled an ab muscle doing sit ups. REALLY? You learn how to do sit ups in kindergarten and I thought the worst thing that could happen is that you rip a huge fart in the face of the fat kid holding your feet and everyone laughs. NOPE. You can pull your abs. Hurts like a bitch and there is nothing you can do about it except wait and do exercises that don't hurt. The second time I got injured, I somehow managed to eff up my shoulder GETTING OUT OF BED. Worst part of that one is that it was after I got skinny, so I couldn't even blame it on the tremendous weight of my body. In both cases I had to modify workouts for about a month and then things stopped hurting. It sucked at the time, but I am glad I did it because if it got worse I would have had to stop exercising and we all know I eat too much to be sedentary.

The point of this all is that if you are injured, DON'T JUST KEEP GOING. I have a mega huge ego. I like to wow people with my super strength and I am the first one to admit it. Nothing pisses me off more than not being able to do something. I don't like to show up at the gym and deadlift a Twizzler, that's embarrassing. Twizzlers are for bicep curls down my throat, everyone knows that. So you can know I am being an honest, though somewhat morally casual, woman when I say that I am going to benefit more from writing this post than any of you will from reading it. If it doesn't feel right, modify it. A few adjustments to the workout can keep you active without further aggravating the injury. And if you refuse to listen to me and hurt yourself so bad that you can't exercise and turn into a big fat mess that never leaves the house because you are too busy laying in bed eating steak and cheese and crushing beer cans on your head, call me, I'll come over, I just got Laguna Beach Season 2 from Netflix. Holy run on sentence...Happy Humpday!

1 comment:

  1. "I love it when my legs feel like Vince Wilfork had sex with a manatee on them for 5 hours."