Monday, July 26, 2010

Shake That Body

I am just going to come right out and say it. I hate the gym. Everyday on my way home from work, I think about walking into the doors of that gym and I start driving a little slower. Would I rather go home, sit on the couch watching Family Guy and eat my dinner with a big smile on my face? Yes. Do I sometimes choose to do this? Yes. But not all the time. In fact, I almost never skip a scheduled workout. Many people say " Oh, I will do such a good job going to the gym for one week and then I just can't go anymore." Trust me, they can go. They could go every single day whether they wanted to or not. They are just making excuses and being lazy because its the easy thing to do. Look, not even Hulk Hogan wants to launch his giant, yellow spandex covered body into the gym everyday, but he does it. This is because there is something that Hulk Hogan and I have in common besides our lucious golden locks. If you want to make exercise a permanent part of your life until the day you die peacefully in your sleep at age 115, you need to take a page from the Haley and Hulk Hogan book of fitness. You need to get yourself some goals.

When it comes to fitness, goals are everything. The problem with that is, people will decide on day one that they want to run 5 miles in 5 minutes tomorrow, and then give up when this doesn't happen. In my opinion there are two ways to ensure that you will not only achieve, but surpass, any fitness goals that you set for yourself. 1) Adopt the Paleo lifestyle (see blog 2) and 2) Ditch your stupid gym routine. It doesn't work. I will tell you exactly how to design your workouts so that you will see the fastest results and also maximize your time in the gym. No more hour long treadmill sessions. No more waving around 5lb weights staring at yourself in the mirror. You are now going to learn how to do the best workout of your life using the best gift God and yo' Mama gave you....your own body.

I don't know how much you weigh, but I will assume more than 5 lbs. So, common sense would tell us that a pushup (using all your bodyweight) is a more functional and effective movement than taking two 5lb dumbells and putting them up over your head 20 times while standing completely still. Check your pulse after doing ten pushups and again after lifting your little dumbells and then come and tell me which is a better workout. If you want to be able to wave to all your friends across the bar without your arm fat flying everywhere, you need to get your flabby ass on the ground and do some pushups. If you can't do real ones, get on your knees. Make it your ultimate goal to do a real pushup. Every night, before you go on facebook to be the stalker that you know you are, drop to the ground and push yourself back up ten times. Pretty soon your arms will be lookin so good it will be a challenge to not cut the sleeves off of all your shirts and walk around smashing beer cans on your head. FUN!

OK, so now that you are on your way to doing the perfect pushup (don't buy the actual Perfect Pushup, its weird) I am going to teach you how to design workouts. I typically stick with the CrossFit workout of the day or do other Crossfit style workouts that are designed by CrossFit trainers at the AWESOME bootcamp I go to twice a week ( When I say CrossFit style workouts, what I mean is that I typically do workouts where I get my strength and cardio exercise AT THE SAME TIME. What a concept. I never walk into a gym, run on the treadmill at 6.0 for a half hour and then go over and use the arm or leg machines. Thats a waste of my time. I did that for years and I stayed fat. And I also looked awkward trying to figure out how to use a machine only to scamper away when I couldn't figure that shizz out. I can do a workout in twelve minutes that is better than anything you can do in one hour. Here is an example:

Next time you go to the gym, try this out. I do need to stress that in order to get the full effects of the workout you will need to time yourself. Any of these workouts done at a leisurely pace may seem easy. You need to be on the clock. Don't take breaks unless you feel like you are on the brink of death. Also, I dont clean the treadmill until I am done with my workout. If someone gets on my gross sweaty treadmill mid workout thats their problem.I just get on another one and sweat all over that one too!!!


- Run 400 meters (this is 0.25 on a treadmill. Some people have a lot of trouble with this conversion. Its a quarter mile. Duh.)

- 20 pushups. (break them up into 5's if you have to. Do them on your knees if you have to. Just get 20.)

- 20 situps. ( on the ground. no stupid crunch machines where you bend your stomach one inch. Lay with your legs flat on the ground. Put your hands up over your head fully stretched out and use them to lauch up into a full sitting position keeping legs outstretched. This is a real situp. Get used to it.)

Do this four times. At the end you will have run one mile and done 80 of both pushups and situps. Do your 400 meter runs as fast as you can. You want to be counting down the seconds until its over. You don't want to be able to talk.

Some people might say " Oh, this sounds nice but its not for me." Guess what? It is for you if you ever want your body to change. Think back to all the years you have been going to the gym. Has your body changed for the better or have you stayed the exact same? Try something new. Trust me, the sentence " I am going to run for 35 minutes and then do some abs" will make you ROTFLMAO in two weeks. When I do 100 clean and jerks for time (we'll get there) I dont parade around like an idiot telling everyone I am going to "do some abs." And my abs are looking better every day.So try this example workout and let me know how you feel after. I will post my workouts as often as I can, so there should be a good amount of stuff up here for you to try. Never again will you spend an hour at the gym bored and confused. And on these gorgeous ( or humid and horrific) summer days, you could even do this right at home!

I want to finish this post by saying that with these Crossfit style workouts, it truly always is something different every day. If you incorporate this kind of exercise into your lifestyle, I promise you that you will look and feel better than you ever have. And, if you STILL find yourself having one of those days where the couch is just calling out your name, think of me and Hulk Hogan all up in the gym covered in sweat, grunting away and drop and give me 20 brother!!!



  1. I love comments if anyone has any!!!

  2. oooh yeah brother!! I would add that crossfit is not easy. There are no effective workouts that are easy. you may want to quit in the middle of a crossfit workout. dont worry everyone feels the same way. shut your mind off, and get it done!! you will feel great when you finish.

  3. Another great post Haley.
    Another difference between regular workouts at a regular gym and Crossfit type workouts is that they're fun. Especially when done with a group of like-minded people all cheering each other on. and when its over and you realize you've just done 100 pull ups and 100 push ups and god knows what else it feels awesome.
    what is ROTFLMAO?

  4. obsessed with your blog . . . you might have just motivated me to cut back on my fettucine alfredo binges.

  5. Brian Ray - ROTFLMAO is really great facebook/texting lingo for "Rolling on the floor laughing my ass off." Some people like to just say LOL or ROTFL, but as with everything else in my life I chose to take it to the extreme.