Monday, June 16, 2014

The Bad and the Ugly




I am so blind. I can’t even read anything I type. I have to squint and pull on my eye to move my contact lens around, it’s awful. If my kid is blind I will know it is my fault and I will feel like a bad mother. Glasses babies are cute as hell, but to never know what it’s like to just wake up and SEE??? It’s unfair. Trust me. If I ever got stranded on an island or like, at the gas station one mile from my house, with no contacts or glasses….I would be dead. I would just flop down on the beach, or in the middle of Route 1, and will myself to death. I can’t put my kid through that.

Passing on bad traits to my child is something I think about a lot. I only need 5 minutes of silence to start thinking about death and diseases and tons of other tragedies, so 18 weeks has given me plenty of time to ponder all the ways my kid could suck. In fact, I even made a list.

 

1)      Blindness – As I said, glasses babies are cute. But once the baby turns into a kid who goes to school, anything a bespectacled child says is automatically a billion times more annoying than if a non-glasses kid says it. Think about it. Normal kid says “What is 2+3?” and you’re like “ 5…good question.” Glasses kid asks same question and you’re like “Whyyyy are you Urkel?” Major problem.

2)      Bossiness – Oh my God am I bossy. I will boss the living shit out of anyone. Do I have any idea when I’m doing it? Nope. I mean, I am 28 and I just kind of, sort of, started to realize that I am bossy because my brother Mike mentions it every 5 minutes. Who knows how many people hate me at this point, probably millions.

3)      Food Obsession – This speaks for itself. I could give birth to a fatty round head. Which leads me to…

4)      Round head…..again, self-explanatory.

5)      BAD AT MATH. SO BAD. I DON’T KNOW HOW TO BORROW. LIKE….IN SUBTRACTION…CAN’T DO IT.

6)      Loud – Don’t ask me if I know how loud I’m talking….I don’t.

7)      General Lack of Empathy – I don’t cry at Sarah McLachlan commercials. I would cry at a Sara McLaughlin commercial if she was in despair, but I don’t have the ability to really think beyond my circle. Don’t judge me, I’m not evil. I just am not like my sister who would cry over a dead chipmunk in South Korea. #blacksoul

 

I could go on, but I think I have made myself look bad enough. I guess I pose this question….is it normal to fear your bad traits may get passed to your kid? Another question…should I do a post of Nick’s bad traits? HA. I could have him write it about himself, but you wouldn’t get to read it until after my baby had already grown up with the roundest head, fattest body, F’s in math and the soul of a demon. Nick performs daily tasks at the same speed as the Queen of England.

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