It is a weird feeling when you realize that you are old
enough for pregnancy to be a good thing. But here I am! Old, married, knocked
up and there is nothing anybody can do about it. I still say knocked up even
though I am pretty sure the father is my very own husband, Nick. And I still
make jokes like that even though I am technically 3/10 of a mom and should be 3/10
on my way to a Subaru and a bowl cut. WELCOME TO YOUR WEIRD LIFE, LIL RAY
RAY!!!!!
Finding out you are pregnant is really strange. You are so
happy but also so confused even though the confusion doesn’t make any sense. I
found out that I wasn’t the only one in the room in particularly bizarre
fashion, too. I don’t think that will
surprise anybody. I had been feeling terrible and had extreme, supersonic level
heartburn, so I decided a pregnancy test might be in order. I peed on the
stick, looked at it for one second, saw one line and threw it out. The next day
I saw it in the trash with 2 lines. I don’t even have the patience to focus for
3 minutes on a pregnancy test. I can’t wait to devote a million years to a
child.
Telling Nick involved zero fanfare. I handed him the test
and made a weird face. He was so elated which was cute because, again, I said I
am PRETTY sure I know he’s the father. His instantaneous happiness brought me
from my state of quiet panic into his world of blatant excitement and I
returned his physically and proverbially giant smile with my normal sized one.
Precious moments.
Currently I am nearing the end of my first trimester, which
I hear is a good thing. I am so nauseated constantly and I can’t wait for the
day when I can eat normally. There are several times every day where I feel my
only two options are CheezIts or death. Having your life on the line so many
times a day would be exhausting for anyone, let alone a mildly in shape
pregnant girl with questionable sanity and morals.
For the most part I have been lucky. I have not vomited to
the point where the vomit has actually left my body. My heartburn only feels
like I swallowed dynamite sometimes. I get only 2-3 new pimples a day (could be
like, 4.) The nausea is constant, but I can still function as long as I
permanently look angry. And finally, I am only one week away from this supposed
kick ass, wonderland called the 2nd trimester. Oh, I forgot the
worst symptom….I am SO short of breath all the time that people are scared of
me. YES.
I hope to be able to post updates here and there, but for
the love of God don’t hold me to any sort of schedule. I am not the first
person on Earth to have a baby, so I don’t think that the details of my
pregnancy are something you would be beating down the door for. Also, I can
barely take out my one contact lens without a taking a water break and I am
considering being Med Flighted somewhere after the amount of sweating this one
post caused me. Low expectations lead to pleasant surprises.
In all seriousness though, I think you have to have a sense
of humor in pregnancy and parenthood to get through it without turning into an
awful person to be around. You can’t let becoming a mom change you into a
boring idiot who is all of a sudden offended by everything. All jokes aside, we
are so excited for this baby, but neither Nick nor I plan on changing who we
are to become what some book says we should be. This baby will probably know 2
Chainz before it can even count to 2 and guess what…..it will turn out just
fine.
Hopefully I post again before 2015. But don’t hold your
breath. It scares people when you are gasping for air I’ve heard.
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